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Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)


ArtyGraph

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20 hours ago, bexwell said:

Any gardening experts on here? My son told me the other day when I went to see him that he can't figure out why his Tomato plant won't bare fruit

My Tomatoes.jpg

Definitely needs pruning, I’ll get me shears and be right over. 😉

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Every Friday afternoon, the kids teacher would ask a question of her class, the one that gave the correct answer got to go home 2 hours early. 
Little Johnny always put his hand up, but never got picked, despite knowing the correct answer every time. Needless to say he wasn’t happy, so he decided on a cunning plan.

With his pocket money, he bought a pack of Malteasers. Come Friday question time, he rolled two of them down the isle in front of his teacher, she looked down and asked “OK, whose the little funny guy with 2 brown balls”? Johnny shot his hand up and said “Sammy Davis Junior ma’am, see ya Monday”.

Edited by KhunDon
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A young daughter is at home when her father calls. The daughter picks up.
"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
A brief pause. "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Mummy says I do! He's with Mummy in the room, right now."
Another brief pause. "Uh, alright, here's what Daddy wants you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Okay, I've done it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?"
"Mummy got all scared and jumped out of beds with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she's not moving at all!"
"Oh my god!!! What about the Uncle Paul?!"
"Uncle Paul jumped out of bed with no clothes on too! He got all scared and jumped out the window into the swimming pool. But I think he doesn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and now he isn't moving too!"
A long pause this time. "Swimming pool...? Is this 486-5731?"

 

 

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