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Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)


ArtyGraph
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A guy meets a bar-girl in a bar.

She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for 3000baht as long as you can say it in three words.’

The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays 3000baht on the bar, and says slowly.

‘Paint…my….house.'

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youngster leaves school and starts working in a mortuary that does all the cosmetic work, dressing the bodies, etc.

His boss has to go out and tells him to attend to the body of a young woman who has just died. 

When the boss returns he asks him how everything is going. "Fine, he says, everything is fine except I couldn't get the prawn off between her legs.
 

The boss walks over and looks at the body, and he says, "You moron, that's not a prawn, that's a clitoris!" 

"Really," says the worker, "It tasted like a prawn to me!"

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10 hours ago, Jambo said:

A classic tale with the version I heard at least 20 years ago or more ending with the words " But you suck one cock......"  being the story of the New Orlean's Bandido " Pierre Le cock sucker." :default_biggrin:

My wife has the iritating habit of saying "You told me that already."

I tried to explain to her that men love funny stories and the retelling of funny stories. It does not matter one jot that we might of heard a story before as it is the telling of the tale that matters. Sure we know the punchline but we wait for it in anticipation like the return of an old friend. We look for the subtle, or not so subtle, differences between one telling and another and laugh along.

Sai listens to my explanation  - "you told me that already!"

Women!!!

I tried telling my wife a joke once, that was just after we got married 20 years ago. 

I’m still waiting for her to laugh. 😟

 

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There's this English couple on a road trip in the USA driving through rural Mississippi.

Starting to get hungry and they see this sign "Burgers/hot dogs/cokes one mile".

It's a trailer by the roadside. Does not look too great and the area is suspect but they are really hungry.

Wifey say to husband "You go first and I will look after the car until you get back"

So off goes hubby to be greeted by Mrs  " she eat all the pies" with the words "Whatyahavin?"

"Just a burger and a coke please."

Mrs Redneck opens the fridge and takes out a pre-cooked burger which being a bit frosty she puts under her arm pit to warm it up. Two minutes under the arm pit then 2 minutes each side on the grill thence onto a bun

"Doyawantonions and ketchup?

Hubby still in shock nods his head, pays 5 dollars for the burger and coke and returns to the car.

Wifey says "You took your time. I am starving!" and gets ouit of the car and starts to walk to the trailer.

She takes a few steps when hubby shouts out " What ever you do, don't ask for a hot dog!"

 

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18 hours ago, KhunDon said:

I tried telling my wife a joke once, that was just after we got married 20 years ago. 

I’m still waiting for her to laugh. 😟

 

That sounds like a fairy tale marriage:

Every time you come home, you see that witch sitting on the couch.

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2 hours ago, banchang100 said:

"Quasi jump!!" shouted the fireman. "It's a fucking hump not a parachute" shouted Quasi.

Actually it's a false assumption you need a parachute to skydive, you don't...

You only need one if you want to skydive twice.

Edited by Mrmango
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3 men died and went to Hell, but Satan lets them phone home.....for a price. The American calls home, talks 15 minutes, Satan makes him pay $1,000. Chinese man calls home, talks 20 minutes, Satan makes him pay $2,000. 

3rd man is Afghani, Satan gives him the phone, calls home for damn near a full hour. Satan charges him only $10. The other two are upset and protest, to which Satan responds “ Hell to Hell is a local call”

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“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

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A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”

The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of the c**ts there.”

Edited by ArtyGraph
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3 minutes ago, KhunDon said:

Cleaned out the attic with the wife yesterday.

Dirty, smelly, covered in cobwebs, but she’s good to the kids. 

Funny you should say that, I cleaned out my attic yesterday and found a Christmas present I forgot to give to Briana.  Shame really as she would have loved a puppy.

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On ‎4‎/‎12‎/‎2019 at 8:56 AM, Shaksey said:

I secretly love to cover my cock in gold leaf and get a Thai bar girl to lick it off;

It's my gilty pleasure.

had a Filipino do it,but mine was covered in honey:default_good:

regards

grayray

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  • john luke changed the title to Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)
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