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Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)


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Unusually very hot in Aberdeenshire yesterday so the little one and I went to play in the garden with the puppy. I just had a pair of shorts on and low and behold a police car turns up after complaints from several neighbours.

I just told the officers I thought the shorts made a lovely hat!

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  • 3 weeks later...

My mate just came back from a fortnight in Phuket and proudly boasted he was shagging twins when he was there for the duration. I asked him if they were identical and he said Nou had long black hair and brown eyes whereas NooNoo had a beard and a dick.

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12 hours ago, Stillearly said:

 "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets". 

Just been reading about that being voted the best joke of the Edinburgh fringe and now others are getting all offended and demanding apologies.

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6 minutes ago, KWA said:

Just been reading about that being voted the best joke of the Edinburgh fringe and now others are getting all offended and demanding apologies.

Crazy but just a symptom of the 'treading on eggs' society being imposed on us.

Next we will have stop telling 'An Irishman, Scotsman and an Englishman walked into a pub' jokes.

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1 minute ago, Horizondave said:

Crazy but just a symptom of the 'treading on eggs' society being imposed on us.

Next we will have stop telling 'An Irishman, Scotsman and an Englishman walked into a pub' jokes.

 

Silly pricks, didn't they see it?

 

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Shipwrecked:

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was the most wonderful experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot.

But, it didn't last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly and ship went down almost instantly.

The engineer found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. He looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea hoping for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true? Was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowing boat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, (or at least seen in 4 months). She was tall, tanned, and her blonde hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality.

She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowing boat? You must have been really lucky to have a boat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowing boat didn't wash up, nothing did."

"Well then", said the man, "where did you get the boat?"

I made the boat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But, but", asked the engineer, "What about tools and hardware? How did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem", replied the woman. "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that", she said. "Where do you live?"

At last the engineer was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the rowing boat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the boat with a beautifully woven hemp rope.

They walked up a stone walkway and around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much", she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?"

"No", said the engineer. "One more coconut juice and I'll puke. I can't stand the stuff any more"

"It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the engineer accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the engineer replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, even on the cruise ship".

The woman stood up and pointed, "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

So, the astounded engineer, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet, just as the woman had said was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The engineer shaved, showered and went back down stairs.

"You look great", said the woman. "I think I will go upstairs and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.

The engineer continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned and smelled faintly of gardenia. "Tell me", she asked. "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean? Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is, the engineer replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"

 

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Priest was taken out to dinner by a friend who ordered two steaks. Priest wanted rare so the friend asked for two bloody steaks. Priest was shocked at the use of bloody but was assured this was the correct way to order.

Week later the pope visited, and the priest took him to the same diner. Pope expressed interest in a rare steak. Priest promptly ordered two bloody steaks.

Pope said…" and plenty of fuck1ng chips!!"

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Why she wanted to do it in the kitchen.

 

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing the usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the

T-shirt she normally slept in. As Steve walked in, almost awake, she turned to him and said softly, “You’ve got

to make love to me this very moment!”

His eyes lit up and he thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it to her all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

 

Happy, but a little puzzled Steve asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

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An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

At this point, the girl’s father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You shag her again."

 

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A TV woman is supposed to do an interview with a farmer to investigate the reasons for BSE mad cow disease.

"Hello, I'm here to gather information about the reasons for BSE. Do you have any idea what it might mean? "The farmer stares at the woman and says," Do you know that the bull fucks the cow once a year? "

The woman is surprised: "Well, that's a new piece of information, but what does this phenomenon have to do with BSE?"

The farmer: "Well Lady, do you know that we milk the cows 4 times a day?" "My Lord, that is really valuable information, but please come to the topic!"
"I'll get straight to the point, lady.
Imagine, I would play on your tits 4 times a day and fcuk you only once a year, would not you go insane too?"

 

 

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At the Hospital

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?" 

 

 

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I was giving a girl a good seeing too a few years ago. She was on her hands a knees on the bed and I was doing her dog style. 

Above our heads a lite bulb burned brightly. She looked at me and said “turn that off and shove it up my ass”. 

In retrospect, I probably should have let the lite bulb cool down a bit first. 🤔

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  • john luke changed the title to Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)
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