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Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)


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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line.

"How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" he added.

"What? Get the hell out of my cab!!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman replied, "Okay," and off they went.

As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.


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"Mum, I saw what dad did to his neighbor, he took off her clothes first, then she opened his pants, then he kissed her and then ..."

"I do not have time now," she interrupts him, "you can tell everything afterwards on Dad's birthday party."

When the guests are gathered, Max starts: "Daddy was earlier at the neighbor's house. First he took off her clothes, then she opened his pants, then he kissed her and then ... er, mummy, what's the name of the thing that you always put in your mouth when Uncle Erwin comes to visit? "



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A self-confident and handsome man comes into a bar. He sits down at a table near the bar close to a very attractive woman, gives her a look, and then looks at his watch.
The woman notices this and asks him: "Is your appointment late?"
"No ..." replies the man "... I just bought this state-of-the-art hyper-modern watch and tested it."
The woman, curious: "What's so special about this clock?"
"Well, she telepathically contacts me through special alpha waves and speaks to me," he explains.
"And what is she telling you?"
"She says you do not wear panties under your dress."
The woman chuckles and says, "Well, your new wonder watch seems to be broken already because I'm wearing a panty right now."
The man explains: "No, she is not broken. She only is one hour ahead."



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There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

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A company gets a new boss who is known for his hardness. He does not tolerate anyone who does not give 120% at work, and is known for firing workers who do not give everything immediately. So he is led through the offices on the first day and the boss sees a man leaning against the wall in the hallway. All employees can see him and the boss thinks he has a good opportunity to show the staff that he will not tolerate laziness. He goes to the man and asks aloud:

"How much do you earn per week?"

A bit surprised the man answers: "300 £ a week, why?"

The boss brings out his purse, gives him 600 £ and yells at him with the words: "Ok, here's your salary for 2 weeks, now get out and never come back!"

The boss feels great that he has shown everyone that laziness is no longer tolerated and asks the other employees: "Can someone tell me what this lazy bum worked here?"

With a smile on his face, one of the employees says: "Pizza delivered!"



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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!


Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?


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his little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent."
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

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Meanwhile the little old lady is back on her feet again.

So she went into the headquarters of a large national bank, dragging a large bag behind her. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$ 165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto the desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am. I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”

The old lady replied, “I make bets.”

The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”

The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $ 25,000 that your balls are square.”

“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”

The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

“Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $ 25,000 that my balls are not square!”

The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?”

“Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 AM, the little lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office.

She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$ 25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

“Well, Okay,” said the president, “$ 25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, “What the heck’s the matter with your lawyer?”

“Nothing,” she answered, “except I bet him $ 100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I’d have the president of this bank’s balls in my hands.”



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A man comes home after work. His wife sits in front of the TV and watches a cooking show.

Does the husband say, "Why are you looking at such a crap? That does not make you a better cook!"

The woman retaliates, "Why are you watching porn?"



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A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group. She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said."That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow.""That's no better either, Hamish.""Now, how about you, Paddy?"The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out; "London ". “Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said;..."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- erry".

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A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:

Hot dog – $2
Cheeseburger – $5
Hand job – $10

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

Edited by ukdave51
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