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Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)


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An elderly couple are standing at the bus stop, she says to her husband ‘That man over the road looks like the Arch Bishop of Canterbury you go over there and ask him.’
The husband dutifully walks across the road and returns a minute later. 
‘What did he say?’ She asks. 
‘He told me to f*** off’ he replied. 
‘That’s a shame’ she said, ‘Now we’ll never know.’

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New age dictionary:
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: A grape that got too much sun.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines...
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