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Jokes to raise a smile?

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One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, “Why are you eating grass?”

The man replied, “I’m so poor, I can not afford anything to eat.”

So the layer said, “Poor guy, come back to my house.”

The guys say, “I have a wife and three kids.” The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, “Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you.”

The lawyer replied, “You’re going to love it there … the grass is a foot tall!”

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t never seed nobody do it.”

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A tramp knocked on the front door of a large country house and in his hand he had a large lump of cold horse shit. 

The lady of the house answered the door and the tramp said “ could I please ask you for something to eat, as all I have is cold horse manure to eat” the lady of the house replied “oh you poor man, please feel free to go around to the stables and get yourself some fresh, warm horse shit”. 

 

I’ll get me coat. 😟

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Posted (edited)

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."

He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."

"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."

"But ya fcuk one goat......" 

Edited by Stillearly
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My great, great, grandfather was killed at The Battle of the Little Bighorn.

He wasn't actually in the battle, but was camping in the field next door and had gone over to complain about the noise and some bastard shot him!

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On 4/8/2019 at 4:32 AM, Stillearly said:

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."

He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."

"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."

"But ya fcuk one goat......" 

A classic tale with the version I heard at least 20 years ago or more ending with the words " But you suck one cock......"  being the story of the New Orlean's Bandido " Pierre Le cock sucker." :default_biggrin:

My wife has the iritating habit of saying "You told me that already."

I tried to explain to her that men love funny stories and the retelling of funny stories. It does not matter one jot that we might of heard a story before as it is the telling of the tale that matters. Sure we know the punchline but we wait for it in anticipation like the return of an old friend. We look for the subtle, or not so subtle, differences between one telling and another and laugh along.

Sai listens to my explanation  - "you told me that already!"

Women!!!

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Goldilocks was taking her dog for a walk and met Miss Marples returning from Church.

"What a charming little girl you are and what a sweet wee doggie you have."

"Thank you" says Goldilocks

"What's your name?" asks Miss Marples.

"My name is Goldilocks" says the little girl.

"That name really suits you and what is your wee doggie's name?"

" His name is Porkie" says Goldilocks

"Oh, how sweet. Is that because he is such a happy little dog and eats up all his food?"

"No, its because he fcuks pigs!"

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23 minutes ago, Jambo said:

I tried to explain to her that men love funny stories and the retelling of funny stories. It does not matter one jot that we might of heard a story before as it is the telling of the tale that matters. Sure we know the punchline but we wait for it in anticipation like the return of an old friend. We look for the subtle, or not so subtle, differences between one telling and another and laugh along.

A man enters a pub, walks up to the bar, sits in a stool and orders a drink. While drinking it, ne notices a group of men sitting at a table. Every once in a while one of them calls a number and everybody at the table starts laughing. He asks the bartender what is going on and gets as reply they are telling jokes, but because they already know all jokes by heart, they just numbered them. Shortly after that, another number is called by one of the men, but nobody laughs. After asking about that, the bartender replies:

.

.

"He was telling it wrong".

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Two cops and their dog were standing in front of a bar when a drunk walks out, goes to the dog and lifts its tail, looks, and then goes back into the bar.

A few minutes later another drunk walks out and does the same thing and the cops are getting suspicious....

a few minutes later another drunk walks out and heads to the dog but the cops ask him what he is doing, and he says that somebody inside insists that there is a dog outside with 2 assholes.....

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Ever seen a horse with a dick on his back?

.

.

.

Take a good look at the next police horse.

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On 4/7/2019 at 10:32 PM, Stillearly said:

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."

He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."

"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."

"But ya fcuk one goat......" 

Jerry Sadowitz's favourite joke except he called it Angus the Sheepshagger.

Wonderful talented bonkers embittered Glaswegian Jewish comedian and magician back in the day.

 

My own all time favourite apart from this one  is the EU are meeting and arguing as usual who has the most beautiful language.

The Italian minister says we have the best words in the world passion, beauty and poetry. For example the word butterfly in Italian is:

FARFALLA

The Spanish minster speaks of history, conquest and strength and says we call it :

MARIPOSA

The English minster speaks about Shakespeare, precision and perfection and says:

BUTTERLY

Malakas says the Greek Minister you tried to destroy us but we have whole valleys of:

PETALOUDAS

French annoyed says of course we have everything the best as usual cheese, wine and :

PAPPILONS.

So pipes up Herr German Minister  und Vott is wrong with:

SCHMETTERLINGS ................  :default_flower::default_fam21::default_drinks:

 

 

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Two fish in a tank , one says to the other " so how the fcuk do you drive this thing ... ?" 

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8 hours ago, KhunDon said:

My great, great, grandfather was killed at The Battle of the Little Bighorn.

He wasn't actually in the battle, but was camping in the field next door and had gone over to complain about the noise and some bastard shot him!

You are Ronnie Corbett?

I've heard two people tell that story this week. Rob Brydon on RHLSTP and Barry Cryer on a Radio 4 extra thing. It is rather good though.

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When I die , I want to go peacefully in my sleep just like my Grandad ....... not shouting and screaming like his passengers... 😉 

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“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.” 

"I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.'"

"Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book”

"I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?”

 

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25 minutes ago, Thinkingallowed said:

"Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book”

This one shouldn't be in this topic, it is no joke but the bare truth (and political as well 😉 ).

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 Edited below some of my favourite Tommy Cooperisms: :default_bow:

 

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

 I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.' Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"  

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."



 

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Took the tg to Barcelona a few years ago and sat down at this beautiful seafood restaurant. She ordered her food and the waiter asked me what I would like so I ordered the octopus. 2 hours later I asked the same waiter ", where is the octopus I ordered 2 fuckin hours ago?" 

"sorry sir!", " but the little bastard keeps turning the gas off!!!" 

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What do you tell a Bar Girl with 2 black eyes? 
 

Nothing. You've already told her twice!

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40 minutes ago, nampla69 said:

 Edited below some of my favourite Tommy Cooperisms: :default_bow:

 

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

 I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.' Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"  

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Namps.

thanks for that,i love Tommy Cooper "just like that "

regards

grayray

 

 

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40 minutes ago, nampla69 said:

 Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Something a bit like that happened to a house across the street from where I used to live (New Year's Eve 2017-2018), fireworks got in through a window and started a fire (luckily nobody home, owner had died a couple of weeks before). The fire department thought they had the fire extinguished and were in the process of getting the largest fire truck out of the pretty narrow street. Before they got ten meters from the parking spot, the flames shot out of the roof again. About an hour after they finally departed, I called them again (and I wasn't the only one).

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2 hours ago, Thinkingallowed said:

You are Ronnie Corbett?

I've heard two people tell that story this week. Rob Brydon on RHLSTP and Barry Cryer on a Radio 4 extra thing. It is rather good though.

The first time I heard it was from Jethro. 🤗

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A young lad started working in a hardware store that sold all sorts of tools and other hardware.

The owner left him alone to pop to the bank and a customer came in and asked the lad for a bastard file and the lad had a go at the customer for swearing at him and the customer left in a huff. 

The owner came back and the lad told him what had happened. The owner explains to the lad that the customer wasn’t swearing, but wanted a type of file called “bastard” because it was a very rough file and he pointed to one on the top shelf. 

Ok said the lad, I’ll know that next time. 

The owner left again to get himself some lunch and the lad was once again on his own, when a customer came in and asked for a file.

The lad pointed to the top shelf and asked the customer “ one of those bastards up there?” “No” said the customer,  pointing to the bottom shelf ”one of those fuckers down there”.

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