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Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)


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Jeremy Corbyn walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Corbyn :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Jeremy corbyn, leader of the Labour Party.

Cashier:"Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Corbyn: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, mr corbyn, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Corbyn,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Corbyn stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Corbyn. ?....

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An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. 

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked. 

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go and there is nowhere convenient." 

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." 

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. 

"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away behind that hedge." 

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this typical British courtesy to your US cousins?" 

"Not really," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy." 

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38 minutes ago, Sigi said:

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. 

 

 

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked. 

 

 

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go and there is nowhere convenient." 

 

 

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." 

 

 

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. 

 

 

"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away behind that hedge." 

 

 

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this typical British courtesy to your US cousins?" 

 

 

"Not really," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy." 

 

 

Tired of this kind of stuff .....

And its not even funny.

 

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23 hours ago, Thai Spice said:

Tired of this kind of stuff .....

And its not even funny.

 

I'm really sorry, I didn't want to offend you.

(To Admin: please change my post from "French" to "German Embassy". Thank you.)

 

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A Dutch man sees a man on his knees using his hand to drink water from one of Amsterdam’s canal.

He walks up to him and says in Dutch “Hey – you can’t drink that water, it’s dirty and will make you sick”.

The tourist shouts back in German: “Was sagen Sie?(What are you saying?)

The Dutch man responds in German: “Sie sollen mit zwei Haenden trinken. Das geht besser!” (Use both hands, it’s much better!”)

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59 minutes ago, Sigi said:

A Dutch man sees a man on his knees using his hand to drink water from one of Amsterdam’s canal.

 

 

He walks up to him and says in Dutch “Hey – you can’t drink that water, it’s dirty and will make you sick”.

 

 

The tourist shouts back in German: “Was sagen Sie?(What are you saying?)

 

 

The Dutch man responds in German: “Sie sollen mit zwei Haenden trinken. Das geht besser!” (Use both hands, it’s much better!”)

 

 

 

A perfect example why you should never trust a person who often dress up in the same colours as the garbage collectors....

 

"Orange trägt nur die Müllabfuhr...."

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2 hours ago, Sigi said:

A Dutch man sees a man on his knees using his hand to drink water from one of Amsterdam’s canal.

 

 

He walks up to him and says in Dutch “Hey – you can’t drink that water, it’s dirty and will make you sick”.

 

 

The tourist shouts back in German: “Was sagen Sie?(What are you saying?)

 

 

The Dutch man responds in German: “Sie sollen mit zwei Haenden trinken. Das geht besser!” (Use both hands, it’s much better!”)

 

 

 

You cant say that.... you'll upset @Lirchenfeld who will find it boring and not funny...

😁😁

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Two English men, Peter and John, are walking along O'Connell Street, in Dublin, when they see a sign in a shop window:

Suits £15.00, shirts £2.00, trousers £2.50.

Peter says, 'Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and, when we get back to England we could make a fortune. When we go into the shop don't say anything, let me do all the talking, because if they hear our English accent they might not serve us, so I'll speak in my best Irish accent.'

They go in and Peter orders, 50 suits at £15.00, 100 shirts at £2.00 and 50 trousers at £2.50. The owner of the shop says, 'You're English aren't you?'

Peter replies 'Oh bother... Yes, how on earth did you know that?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners...'

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On 10/25/2019 at 9:16 AM, Sigi said:

I'm really sorry, I didn't want to offend you.

(To Admin: please change my post from "French" to "German Embassy". Thank you.)

 

 

 

 

Nah, leave it. Funnier with the original for sure.  😄 

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A worried husband calls the police:

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."
Sheriff: "Color of eyes?"
Husband: "Sort of brown, maybe blue. Not sure."
Sheriff: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember."
Sheriff: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly."
Sheriff: "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: "She went in my truck."
Sheriff: "What kind of truck was it?"
Husband: "A 2016 Brilliant Diesel Grey Pearlcoat Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4 l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, backup and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting."

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: "Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!!"

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Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

*The survey was a complete failure because:*

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian
 accent.

 

 

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Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Christmas morning arrives, and they were all on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a big diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it".

Number 2 guy says, "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. 

"I can't believe you all went to such an expense for this golf game.

I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said: ‘Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf’, and she said, 'Take a sweater' ".

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A Catholic priest was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large shopping mall’s parking lot.

“Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whisky, and I'll even promise to leave the choirboys alone.”

Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot.

Without hesitation, the priest said, “Never mind, I found one.”

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