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Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)


ArtyGraph

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Husband's call to his wife:

"Honey it's me.  I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office.  Paula brought me to the hospital.  They have checked me over and have done some tests and some x-rays.  The blow to my head was severe.  Fortunately, it did not cause any serious internal injury.  However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

Wife's Response: "Who the hell is Paula?"

And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.

Edited by Sigi
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A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.

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A young couple is out Golfing together on a weekday morning.  The course is pretty empty as it's a weekday, so they are moving along pretty quickly.  On the 7th hole they catch up to an older gentleman at the Tee box.  Rather than just play through, the couple decide to join the man for a hole or two.  After they tee off, with the older gentleman's tee shot out distancing the younger mans, the woman starts up a conversation as they walk down the fairway.

"Do you always play alone?"

"Oh no my dear, for twenty years, me and the wife played this course together almost every day."

The young woman is touched, but also a bit curious.  "Your wife doesn't play with you anymore?" she asked a bit tentatively, knowing there could be quite a few different explanations.

"Not since she passed away." the old man said with a bit of a hitch to his voice.

The young man looks at his wife pleading with his eyes for her not to keep pressing this line of questions.  But of course she ignores him and carries on.

"Don't you have some other friends that you can golf with?"

The old man quickly answers.  "Oh sure, but they're all at the funeral."

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A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.  The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked,

"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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A ventriloquist's car breaks down near a farm in Wales and he uses the farmhouse phone to call the recovery service.

While he’s waiting he decides to play a trick on the farmer.

"I bet I can make your animals talk." he says.

"Animals don't talk" says the farmer.

The ventriloquist turns to a horse and asks, "So how does your master treat you?"

"Pretty well," says the horse, "he gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over - but he uses the whip too much”

"How about you?" the ventriloquist asks a dog, "is he good to you?"

"Yup," says the dog, "we play fetch and I get to sleep on the sofa, but he does sometimes kick me when he’s drunk”

“Let's see what this sheep has to say," says the ventriloquist.

"Wait!" yells the farmer "That sheep is a f#*#*ng liar!"

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2 elderly ladies meet eachother at the market.
- I have gotten a new car.
- Wonderful. Which one?
- A Honda.
- Can I see it?
- Yes. It is parked over on the corner.
1 minute later.
- But Karen, that's not a Honda. It is a Mitshubishi.
- I know, but if i'm going to say that my dentures will drop out.

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Three women: a fiancee, a married and a mistress talk about their relationships and decide to surprise their husbands.

That night, all three want to wear leather bodices, S&M, high-heeled shoes and a mask over their eyes.

The fiancee told: "The night my friend came home, he found me in leather bodice, high heels and a mask. He said you are the woman of my life. I love you ... we make love every night."

The mistress gushed: "Oh well! We met in his office. I was wearing a leather bodice, high-heeled shoes, a mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the coat he didn't say a word. We only had wild sex all night.”

The married woman said: "Last night I sent the children to my mother. I was ready! Leather bodice, high heels, a mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

When my husband came home from work, he picked up the beer bottle and remote control for the TV and said, 'Hey Batman, what is there to eat?' "

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Got sad news today.

After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after 1 minor indiscretion.

He slept with 1 of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves.

What a waste of time, training & money.

A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.

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