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ArtyGraph

Jokes to raise a smile?

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A guy meets a bar-girl in a bar.

She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for 3000baht as long as you can say it in three words.’

The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays 3000baht on the bar, and says slowly.

‘Paint…my….house.'

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youngster leaves school and starts working in a mortuary that does all the cosmetic work, dressing the bodies, etc.

His boss has to go out and tells him to attend to the body of a young woman who has just died. 

When the boss returns he asks him how everything is going. "Fine, he says, everything is fine except I couldn't get the prawn off between her legs.
 

The boss walks over and looks at the body, and he says, "You moron, that's not a prawn, that's a clitoris!" 

"Really," says the worker, "It tasted like a prawn to me!"

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10 hours ago, Jambo said:

A classic tale with the version I heard at least 20 years ago or more ending with the words " But you suck one cock......"  being the story of the New Orlean's Bandido " Pierre Le cock sucker." :default_biggrin:

My wife has the iritating habit of saying "You told me that already."

I tried to explain to her that men love funny stories and the retelling of funny stories. It does not matter one jot that we might of heard a story before as it is the telling of the tale that matters. Sure we know the punchline but we wait for it in anticipation like the return of an old friend. We look for the subtle, or not so subtle, differences between one telling and another and laugh along.

Sai listens to my explanation  - "you told me that already!"

Women!!!

I tried telling my wife a joke once, that was just after we got married 20 years ago. 

I’m still waiting for her to laugh. 😟

 

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I secretly love to cover my cock in gold leaf and get a Thai bar girl to lick it off;

It's my gilty pleasure.

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There's this English couple on a road trip in the USA driving through rural Mississippi.

Starting to get hungry and they see this sign "Burgers/hot dogs/cokes one mile".

It's a trailer by the roadside. Does not look too great and the area is suspect but they are really hungry.

Wifey say to husband "You go first and I will look after the car until you get back"

So off goes hubby to be greeted by Mrs  " she eat all the pies" with the words "Whatyahavin?"

"Just a burger and a coke please."

Mrs Redneck opens the fridge and takes out a pre-cooked burger which being a bit frosty she puts under her arm pit to warm it up. Two minutes under the arm pit then 2 minutes each side on the grill thence onto a bun

"Doyawantonions and ketchup?

Hubby still in shock nods his head, pays 5 dollars for the burger and coke and returns to the car.

Wifey says "You took your time. I am starving!" and gets ouit of the car and starts to walk to the trailer.

She takes a few steps when hubby shouts out " What ever you do, don't ask for a hot dog!"

 

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18 hours ago, KhunDon said:

I tried telling my wife a joke once, that was just after we got married 20 years ago. 

I’m still waiting for her to laugh. 😟

 

That sounds like a fairy tale marriage:

Every time you come home, you see that witch sitting on the couch.

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, banchang100 said:

"Quasi jump!!" shouted the fireman. "It's a fucking hump not a parachute" shouted Quasi.

Actually it's a false assumption you need a parachute to skydive, you don't...

You only need one if you want to skydive twice.

Edited by Mrmango
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David Beckham gets into a taxi at Dublin Airport. He watches the driver looking at him for a full five minutes in the rear view mirror.  Eventually the driver asks "OK, give me a clue then?"

Beckam sighs and replies... "Well, I had a glittering career with Manchester United, married a Spice Girl and played well over 100 times for England... Is that enough?"

The driver replies... "No, you thick c**t, where are you going?"

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Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common because they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.

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3 men died and went to Hell, but Satan lets them phone home.....for a price. The American calls home, talks 15 minutes, Satan makes him pay $1,000. Chinese man calls home, talks 20 minutes, Satan makes him pay $2,000. 

3rd man is Afghani, Satan gives him the phone, calls home for damn near a full hour. Satan charges him only $10. The other two are upset and protest, to which Satan responds “ Hell to Hell is a local call”

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