Jump to content
Thai Spice

Marriage, what's the purpose ?

Recommended Posts

The recent ‘’participation’’ to a wedding made me think again about the purpose of all this.

Now, please note that all this is my personal point of view and is not specifically related or limited to multi-cultural marriages.

I don’t say my view is the universal truth, it is just my view and you may very well disagree.

 

First, since young age I considered marriage as a rather pointless thing except for its administrative / legal aspect.  Now, I do understand that 50 years ago living together and having kids, that both legally recognize was probably a bit of an administrative challenge. Also, many of the social benefits were reserved to married people.

Without even speaking how it was frowned upon by the good catholic society around you, specially if you lived in a small city or rural area. I know what it is, as my first “live” was a non-married one in Brittany in the late 70’s.

For me marriage is just a certificate. But who needs a certificate when two persons really love each other and decide to settle down together? Will a document at the city hall make you love each other more ? Or is it just a kind of insurance policy ? But hey, if you need an insurance from the 1st day, then you better not marry !

Concerning the religious part (whatever religion), well it is a nice ceremony, often emotional, but it does nothing to me. TBH, the Thai part of my wedding was for me more a chore than an enjoyment.

Let’s have a look at the 2 wedding “versions” most of us here have lived.

Western wedding with a women of your ethnicity :

Personally, I have no experience of it. I had a French g/f for many years, starting late 70’s, we decided to live together, later had a kid and were pretty happy with the situation. Sure, the first years, besides some comments from family, it was simply 2 single persons living together but later the government started to acknowledge the phenomena and created a specific status “union libre”. You could even have the city hall deliver a “certificate of common life” that could sometimes help for some administrative purposes. But both parties keep their complete independence with no mutual obligations, except if there are kids.

We saw several of our friends marrying, and honestly, I couldn’t see any difference between our daily live and theirs.

The day we split up, we did it in a gentle and reasonable way. She keeping 90% of the stuff in our flat, me keeping my personal money, personal items and continuing to assist her monthly for the education of the kid.  She has of course since then had a few lives, and has settled down with somebody, but she has never officially married anybody. We still are in good relations, same as with my son.

 

Mixed union or “multi-cultural wedding” :

For me it is the same approach. The only reason I married my ex in Thailand, after 2 years living together in BKK, was for administrative reasons. Indeed, I never planned to stay in Thailand, I knew we would move back to France (and other places) because of the job, and without being officially married it was about impossible administratively speaking.

Hence the wedding. Needless to say, I kept the “Thai” part as simple as possible, as everything in it was against my upbringing and culture. Honestly, the reception in a nice hotel was for me the only enjoyable part.

Note that I intentionally keep out of this note the “exotic, younger wife, found paradise, best thing in my live etc…” aspect.

Conclusion, valid for both variations :

-        The amount of money spend on weddings shocks me, specially for people who can barely afford it but will still go through it, mainly due to moral / family obligation and for face. That money would better be used to start their new life.

-        Over 50% of weddings finish in a divorce (usually messy), so why bother ? And I do not believe in the “eternal love” thing, specially not when one marries at 20 or 25 y old.

-         I am also a bit surprised, in rural marriages like here, that nobody really cares about the financial future of the newlyweds, can the husband take care of his wife and future family etc… No, just marry, settle in with one of the parents and that’s it. Complete difference of cultures, and when I raised the subject with the Miss and her elder brothers, saying that if my kids one day want to marry they better make sure they have money to pay for it, they were very surprised by this approach.

-        So, yes at 66 my view has not changed. It is something that was made very clear to Miss Indo when we decided to give it a try together.

 

Just my 2 cents, feel free to express your own view or opinion.

  • Like 2
  • Thumbs Up 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

It baffles me, always has.

The only real good reason I can see is for raising offspring.

 

Societal pressures are so strong. Even for many folks I dearly care about and respect cave into making decisions because of pressures. I'm not saying it's all bad, but....

I did a rough calculation early on regarding the odds of me staying married (at a younger age). To start the base divorce rate is 50% (not a good start). In my "profession" the odds were/are even worse. Then I figured in the fact that I like to play, and I don"t like to cheat when I am with someone I care about (just not a good policy). I also recognized some other personal characteristics that would  contribute to me probably not being the greatest spouse (too much detail, I won't get into it). So, with all that figured I was looking at around 80% odds that I wouldn't make it. I like my pension, don't like the idea of giving it to someone else.

I also didn't like that thought of someone else (another guy) having any say in how my children would be raised. That would send me through the roof.

Edited by Glasseye

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mine was also for admin purposes,I wanted to get her back to Oman with me.Then a year later got her back to the UK & now she's had a UK passport for years.

The main thing is that I do not regret it at all.

  • Like 2
  • Thumbs Up 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Marriage is a contract to arrange for a lot of administrative details automatically. And the current norm that people marry someone they love instead of someone picked out by their parents is a recent invention and not even the norm in a large part of the world.

For some perspective: The mother is a fact, the father is an opinion.

I got married twice, mostly for administrative reasons (residence permit) and because it made them feel better. I don't regret it.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gotta be something to it all otherwise why were the poofters protesting about not be able to marry their mud tunnels not all that long ago ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
27 minutes ago, Sir_Fondles said:

Gotta be something to it all otherwise why were the poofters protesting about not be able to marry their mud tunnels not all that long ago ?

Think that was to do with having the same inheritance rights as heterosexual married couples.

Why should they not be allowed to get married?.

 

  • Thumbs Up 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, galenkia said:

Think that was to do with having the same inheritance rights as heterosexual married couples.

Why should they not be allowed to get married?.

 

I dont care either way if they marry or not.... up to them.

So inheritance rights is a reason to get married heterosexual or not, thats a good start.... what about hospitalization and the shit's hit the fan and they only letting family/spouse to visit, also dont some countries give a mans pension and stuff to his wife when he passes.... another + for marriage !!

  • Thumbs Up 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Sir_Fondles said:

I dont care either way if they marry or not.... up to them.

So inheritance rights is a reason to get married heterosexual or not, thats a good start.... what about hospitalization and the shit's hit the fan and they only letting family/spouse to visit, also dont some countries give a mans pension and stuff to his wife when he passes.... another + for marriage !!

See,lots of benefits in getting married.👍

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Companionship, i don't like my own company. Now many would say why don't just have a live-in, my experience tells me that live-in's don't always stick around if there's no long term security for them and i can quite understand their thinking but marriage is a gamble. 

Wifey's a darling, great fun to be with and takes real good care of me 🥰 and the house, she's worth every bit of the 50% widows pension coming her way.

  • Like 6
  • Thumbs Up 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Pumpuynarak said:

Companionship, i don't like my own company. Now many would say why don't just have a live-in, my experience tells me that live-in's don't always stick around if there's no long term security for them and i can quite understand their thinking but marriage is a gamble. 

Wifey's a darling, great fun to be with and takes real good care of me 🥰 and the house, she's worth every bit of the 50% widows pension coming her way.

Agree, my wife has been a rock since my illness and she takes damn good care of me.

Only thing is as she is much younger than me I am pretty sure I read in the small print of the New State Pension that for every year over a 10 year difference in age she loses about 2 percent of the pension when i die. Think she may get about 60 percent of what she otherwise would be entitled to.

  • Like 1
  • Great Info 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, Horizondave said:

 

Only thing is as she is much younger than me I am pretty sure I read in the small print of the New State Pension that for every year over a 10 year difference in age she loses about 2 percent of the pension when i die. Think she may get about 60 percent of what she otherwise would be entitled to.

Is there is minimum age she needs to be to receive this pension ?

In France there is no such deduction as you mentionned but the widow need to be 55 y old before she can receive it. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Horizondave said:

Agree, my wife has been a rock since my illness and she takes damn good care of me.

Only thing is as she is much younger than me I am pretty sure I read in the small print of the New State Pension that for every year over a 10 year difference in age she loses about 2 percent of the pension when i die. Think she may get about 60 percent of what she otherwise would be entitled to.

Guess that is an anti gold digger clause to protect the old and senile.

Anna Nicole Smith being a prime example of one.

  • Like 2
  • Great Info 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Thai Spice said:

Is there is minimum age she needs to be to receive this pension ?

In France there is no such deduction as you mentionned but the widow need to be 55 y old before she can receive it. 

 

Not sure but I didn't read anything specific about an age limit but just the difference in ages to get a share of the state pension on death of a spouse.

My child bride is 31 years younger than me, I am such a cradle snatcher.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, galenkia said:

Guess that is an anti gold digger clause to protect the old and senile.

Anna Nicole Smith being a prime example of one.

I resemble that comment lol

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Horizondave said:

Agree, my wife has been a rock since my illness and she takes damn good care of me.

Only thing is as she is much younger than me I am pretty sure I read in the small print of the New State Pension that for every year over a 10 year difference in age she loses about 2 percent of the pension when i die. Think she may get about 60 percent of what she otherwise would be entitled to.

Real good to hear.

3 hours ago, Horizondave said:

Not sure but I didn't read anything specific about an age limit but just the difference in ages to get a share of the state pension on death of a spouse.

My child bride is 31 years younger than me, I am such a cradle snatcher.

So is mine 😊, her widows pension has no restrictions whatsoever , the day i'm gone she gets 50% of my pension (increasing yearly by 1-3%) and that amount ensures she will never have to concern herself about money for the rest of her life. I did work prior to retirement for a multinational Financial Services company who took care of their employees and their spouses irrespective of the age.

She's worth every penny...... 

Edited by Pumpuynarak
  • Like 3
  • Great Info 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Pumpuynarak said:

 

So is mine 😊, her widows pension has no restrictions whatsoever , the day i'm gone she gets 50% of my pension (increasing yearly by 1-3%) and that amount ensures she will never have to concern herself about money for the rest of her life. I did work prior to retirement for a multinational Financial Services company who took care of their employees and their spouses irrespective of the age.

She's worth every penny...... 

If you are already retired under the old pension system you may be completely right.  I think my issue is in the small print of the New Single State Pension as the idea is for everybody to have their own pension and so reliance on somebody else's pension is not going to be the norm in the long term future.

Company pensions have different provisos etc.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Horizondave said:

Company pensions have different provisos etc.

Yes and mine is obviously a company pension scheme, my state pension dies with me but its peanuts in the grand scheme of things. When i told her after we'd been married 4/5 years she would'nt believe it so i got a letter of confirmation from the pension trustees, i don't think she's going anywhere lol

When i met her and married she was 24 and me 55, but i'm the oldest teenager in Korat so no problems there.....  

Its good to know i'm not the only cradle snatcher. 

  • Like 1
  • Thumbs Up 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Pumpuynarak said:

Yes and mine is obviously a company pension scheme, my state pension dies with me but its peanuts in the grand scheme of things. When i told her after we'd been married 4/5 years she would'nt believe it so i got a letter of confirmation from the pension trustees, i don't think she's going anywhere lol

When i met her and married she was 24 and me 55, but i'm the oldest teenager in Korat so no problems there.....  

Its good to know i'm not the only cradle snatcher. 

Blimey I just worked out I am in fact 32.5 years older than my wife, she 31, me 64. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For those that are not married, don't get your panties up in a bunch but....all the guys that preach to me here that they are "living the dream" by not having to share their money, don't have to put up with having kids, they have all the freedom that we don't have, they don't have to put up with in-laws, blah, blah, blah....I have found that these guys have alot more going on then " I don't want to be married" they have alot more issues then that!  Ok the "to each his own" theory will apply here, I get it. 

I am just glad that I was given a second chance after my 1st marriage failed, of which I acknowledge that I learned some things that I needed to work on. More then that, I am glad that there was someone that was willing to give me a second chance. It's been a great ride so far. 

  • Like 4
  • Thumbs Up 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 7/30/2019 at 7:05 PM, Pumpuynarak said:

Companionship, i don't like my own company. Now many would say why don't just have a live-in, my experience tells me that live-in's don't always stick around if there's no long term security for them and i can quite understand their thinking but marriage is a gamble. 

Wifey's a darling, great fun to be with and takes real good care of me 🥰 and the house, she's worth every bit of the 50% widows pension coming her way.

I'm not against it, but just figured early on it probably wasn't a great idea for me.

I do however not rule it out at some point, under the right conditions.

I do recognize and understand the need of the "other half" to have some feeling of security if they decide to tie the knot.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
33 minutes ago, Glasseye said:

I'm not against it, but just figured early on it probably wasn't a great idea for me.

I do however not rule it out at some point, under the right conditions.

I do recognize and understand the need of the "other half" to have some feeling of security if they decide to tie the knot.

Sensible post mate, also living here in Thailand there's no "care in old age" provided by the government for Thais let alone us aliens so having a sweetie to look after you in your old age is important imo but you could always do what my mate does and pays his live-in carer 20K per month, lovely gal she is but its only a job which she could up sticks from any time she likes, not that she's likely too, they get on really well.

You mention "security", from my experience thats of paramount importance to poor Thai girls and you will get back what you give out with a good one and in my case i get back 10 fold.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, Pumpuynarak said:

 

You mention "security", from my experience thats of paramount importance to poor Thai girls and you will get back what you give out with a good one and in my case i get back 10 fold.  

Any women will look at the socio economics before deciding to "commit" in the West, and I think it is normal. I would do same. 

For "poor 3rd world country girls" the choice is in fact easier, as anything is better than what they probably could find in the village.

But a well educated Asian professional city woman with a good job will be much more choicy, same as a western women.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
52 minutes ago, Thai Spice said:

But a well educated Asian professional city woman with a good job will be much more choicy, same as a western women.

 

and i would avoid them like the plague, thats why i came to Thailand. 

  • Thumbs Up 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...