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Nohero

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Hi guys...I’ll start with an admission, I have another account here but as my name suggests, I’m no hero. I hope you can move this post to a more quiet area (advanced area) but will understand if you can’t.

i post here as I suppose we are all some support to each other, a band of brothers if you will. I’m pretty lost at the minute and would appreciate your views. I hope this isn’t just ‘man up’. I’m currently married and wish I wasn’t and don’t really know how to leave my wife. She works so can survive without me and if there was a way I could go without causing her any pain, I would do it. I can’t really do anything now with the lockdown as I have no where else to be than my house, the hotels are closed and I don’t have any family or friends I could stay with. 
 

I know some of the guys on the board are divorced and would be interested to know how it went. Did you just leave or talk about it? The best plan I can make is to find somewhere else to live and then move my things out. I would help, pay my share of the mortgage etc until she is sorted. I feel like we have lost something and although I care a lot for her, I just don’t love her anymore. Thanks for listening.

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Posted (edited)

Hi Nohero, I think it would help if you could confirm a few things ?

Living in Thailand ? Kids ? Your age ? 

Me being viewed here a bit as an extremist, I will let others giving their opinion first. 

But in short : better cut the pain early.

Edit : Married legally in Thailand only or registered in your home country ? 

 

Edited by Thai Spice

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Hi, married and living in UK (farang wife), 47, married 3yrs, no kids although she has an 8yr old daughter living at home.

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Having seen close friends go through divorce , I would speak to a lawyer , and get their professional advice on what you should do next and the financial implications  etc

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11 minutes ago, Nohero said:

Hi, married and living in UK (farang wife), 47, married 3yrs, no kids although she has an 8yr old daughter living at home.

Oops, Farang (I suppose UK) wife... makes it more complicated.

So yes, I agree with @Stillearly post here under, better consult a lawyer first. 

Meanwhile, try to discreetly open a bank account somewhere in a "safe heaven" to set some money on the side that can not be touched by her or by UK law.

 

1 minute ago, Stillearly said:

Having seen close friends go through divorce , I would speak to a lawyer , and get their professional advice on what you should do next and the financial implications  etc

 

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Hi Nohero

Whilst stillearly and TS have mentioned lawyers (nothing wrong with that BTW), you ask if you should just leave or talk with her. 

To my way of thinking do the decent thing and sit down and tell her your feelings. Don't just bugger off. She married you for a reason. She at least deserves an explanation from you as to how you feel. 

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Don't know about the UK. but here in the States they have more and more lawyers that represents the man's interests these days in Divorce Court. These lawyers specialize in going toe to toe with the female spouse's lawyer who can be overly aggressive towards the male spouse's assets. I would seek one of these type of pro-male oriented lawyers.  

BTW: Rip the band aid off - it's easier. Good luck!

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2 hours ago, Aqualung said:

Hi Nohero

Whilst stillearly and TS have mentioned lawyers (nothing wrong with that BTW), you ask if you should just leave or talk with her. 

To my way of thinking do the decent thing and sit down and tell her your feelings. Don't just bugger off. She married you for a reason. She at least deserves an explanation from you as to how you feel. 

Yea ... I agree

But these things get kinda complicated .. 

I am pretty certain .. she knows that things have changed in your feelings towards her ..

For me .. I am a straight up guy ... I would speak my mind to her .. pack my bags and get the hell out of your misery as soon as you can ( like today ) ...

Give her the house ... but, protect your future earnings ... and f**k everything else .. money is easy to get

This is a "no win" situation .. so just cut your loses the best you can ( get an attorney ) and find happiness ... life is just to short for a bunch of drama and not being happy

But make sure you "Cowboy Up" .. do the right thing for your own happiness ... and do the best you can for her ( within reason ) in the process

Personally, I have never had to go through a divorce ... there have only been 2 women in my life that I have truly loved .. one being Beach gal .. the other gal was an Italian gal I met in Milan .. we were together for 10 years living there .. but, I was always some other place in the world working and with my "bad habits" ... you know the results

The gal from Milan ... she was mature with her emotions ... I went my way and she went hers ... we still talk every week ... I am serious .. every week .. it was pretty bad for the first year .. but after that things "smoothed" out ....

Don't expect this to be easy .. nothing is easy with emotions .... just make sure you are doing the right thing .. and if you believe it is the right thing .. just do it .. and " damn the torpedoes - and full speed ahead " !

 

 

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5 hours ago, Nohero said:

Hi, married and living in UK (farang wife), 47, married 3yrs, no kids although she has an 8yr old daughter living at home.

You definitely need to see a lawyer. I fear you might be liable for the maintenance of that child, even though she is not yours.

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Hi, I think after the lockdown ends I need to make my move. I will rent somewhere I think then buy myself a place in the longer term. There will be a big backlash from her family but I guess I have it coming. I will leave her in the house but long term it needs selling or her to buy me out which I don’t think she can. 

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Talk to her first, you may find she's pissed off with you as well. Maybe you both want out.

Talking first will allow you both to decide if lawyers are needed as getting a divorce without lawyers is cheaper although a court will need to be satisfied the child is taken care of.

I divorced for less than £300 as both my wife and I came to an agreement and we did the divorce ourselves by my dealing direct with the local courts and only once did I have to attend the court to swear an oath.

My divorce though was based on living apart for two years although other reasons are acceptable if saving money from the high fees paid to solicitors.

If you can't come to an acceptable agreement then solicitors will be needed.

Not sure about you supporting a child that was not yours and only having supported that child for 3 of her 8 years but courts are absolutely concerned with her welfare. 

 

 

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Thanks for the thoughts guys, I appreciate it. I think this lockdown has finished things for us if I’m honest

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I know nothing about this: but, I seem to recall reading somewhere that if one party leaves the marital home, the law considers them to be the deserter, which can put them at a disadvantage subsequently. However, if one party agrees via a mediator ( Citizens Advice, solicitor / lawyer ) to vacate the home in order to aid the process of separation ( and that fact is acknowledged / recorded by both parties ), then there should be no detriment.

Happy to be corrected if I'm wrong.

 

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52 minutes ago, Nohero said:

Thanks for the thoughts guys, I appreciate it. I think this lockdown has finished things for us if I’m honest

How were things before the lock down ?

being lock up in your house can do anyone’s head in. Soon you be able to get out and maybe things might settle down again

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Proffesor said:

I know nothing about this: but, I seem to recall reading somewhere that if one party leaves the marital home, the law considers them to be the deserter, which can put them at a disadvantage subsequently. However, if one party agrees via a mediator ( Citizens Advice, solicitor / lawyer ) to vacate the home in order to aid the process of separation ( and that fact is acknowledged / recorded by both parties ), then there should be no detriment.

Happy to be corrected if I'm wrong.

 

Not really ....it's all no fault these days. Main thing is child support. Steelers gives good advice but my key tip and written this before..

.... get a hardcore FEMALE divorce lawyer. They have no feelings or emotions and hearts of stone but great for your interests and shut up you up when you express emotional thoughts.

Edited by nampla69
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The child is her’s, not mine. I would have no liability to pay for her. She is in touch with the girl’s father and he pays towards her.

Things have been rocky for a while and in lockdown I’ve seen a side to her I don’t want to be involved with. 
 

The kid is very spoilt and that puts a big strain on things.

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10 hours ago, Aqualung said:

Hi Nohero

Whilst stillearly and TS have mentioned lawyers (nothing wrong with that BTW), you ask if you should just leave or talk with her. 

To my way of thinking do the decent thing and sit down and tell her your feelings. Don't just bugger off. She married you for a reason. She at least deserves an explanation from you as to how you feel. 

I see where you are coming from Aqualung - and I get this...but given the lockdown and mentally finding no escape this will escalate the issue (this is for both parties). I’d recommend not to do this or let her get wind of any plan. All it till take is a trigger such as this and she will start making accusations, calling the cops because she will feel threatened as her livelyhood is about about to change. Next thing you’ll know the OP well end up being chucked out of his own home because of the cops being too thick to understand better. If this situation happens do NOT show the cops the deeds to the house as that’s the first thing they want to see to work out who has rights and therefore chucked out! I’m speaking from experience within the UK. Her attitude will change and then you’ll find yourself self with an restraining order BS (I won’t type that in here unless this thread is moved elsewhere).

2 hours ago, Proffesor said:

I know nothing about this: but, I seem to recall reading somewhere that if one party leaves the marital home, the law considers them to be the deserter, which can put them at a disadvantage subsequently. However, if one party agrees via a mediator ( Citizens Advice, solicitor / lawyer ) to vacate the home in order to aid the process of separation ( and that fact is acknowledged / recorded by both parties ), then there should be no detriment.

Happy to be corrected if I'm wrong.

 

Not in the UK the OP is from there.

My best advice in this situation for what it’s worth having been through pain with my friends and all this shit that goes with it emotionally and mentally...

1. Understand what assets you have in your and her name

2. If you have a joint account - get the cash what’s yours rightfully out of there...do NOT take what’s hers do the right thing

3. Understand the liabilities you both have - mortgage I’m assuming is in OPs name and his wife doesn’t pay towards it but contributes to the bills in the home as any normal couple would do.

It’s gonna be crap and face it and do not kick her to the curb, you gotta have a plan B for when it becomes too difficult for both of you to remain in the same home. I’m assuming it’s a house so there is some escapism for both of you. If it’s smaller then this makes the living space more difficult. Think this through carefully before making the next move. Once you’ve assessed the situation then work out the strategy to separate. Also Nanplas advice is sound....Female lawyer only and don’t be afraid to ask for this!

I will probably get shot down for writing the above. But those who’ve been through this crap will know how much of a toil it has on you. It’s not pleasant for anyone especially during lockdown. 

Also to the OP if you are seeing a different side to her...can you please elaborate on this more? Bear in mind she might be going through some shit mentally too so don’t disregard this. Also, that way you are feeling might be sending a different vibe to her too. 

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Posted (edited)
49 minutes ago, Nohero said:

The child is her’s, not mine. I would have no liability to pay for her. She is in touch with the girl’s father and he pays towards her.

Things have been rocky for a while and in lockdown I’ve seen a side to her I don’t want to be involved with. 
 

The kid is very spoilt and that puts a big strain on things.

F**K it Bro .. get on with your own life and be happy ... protect yourself ... let the "chips fall where they fall"

Sounds to me .. you have have made up you mind

But, for sure, don't take my advice ,, because I am a wild man ..

Sad .. you marry someone and do your best to try to make it work and it then it ends up in turmoil ... sad

But shit comes to you in life .. it is not about how you get knocked on your ass .. it is about how you get back up .. dust yourself off .. and say "bring it on " ....

 

 

Edited by code_slayer_bkk

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LOTS OF TALK ON THIS BEHIND THE SCENES

yes there is a rule about dual membership here but I can understand  whys omething so personal is best kept anonymous and this is an interesting subject.

 

so it will stay running.  as it deserves comment and is of interest to many

 

I would ask that you ONLY use this second profile for this thread as otherwise it become a pain, but I am under the impression that was your plan

 

Good luck

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FWIW I am pals with my ext from 16 yrs ago.  we divorced after sitting down and saying that we had both tried, wanted different things and it wasnt going to work.  we went from room to room talking about who would have what, afgreed on the house value and split, and in our case, custody of my sporg, which we split.  our divorce cost a few hundred quid only as it was cut and dried.  end result we still getalong, raised the sprog together and she turned out alright.

I bought her out of the house in the end so that my child didnt lose school, pals and home life in one throw.  it was easy as we had good equity.

every case is different. good luck

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7 minutes ago, tommy dee said:

LOTS OF TALK ON THIS BEHIND THE SCENES

yes there is a rule about dual membership here but I can understand  whys omething so personal is best kept anonymous and this is an interesting subject.

 

so it will stay running.  as it deserves comment and is of interest to many

 

I would ask that you ONLY use this second profile for this thread as otherwise it become a pain, but I am under the impression that was your plan

 

Good luck

This alias will comment on this thread only. Thanks for allowing it and apologies for the rule break.

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10 hours ago, Bazle said:

You definitely need to see a lawyer. I fear you might be liable for the maintenance of that child, even though she is not yours.

 

4 hours ago, Nohero said:

The child is her’s, not mine. I would have no liability to pay for her. She is in touch with the girl’s father and he pays towards her.

"The government’s Child Maintenance Service cannot enforce a step-parent to pay child maintenance.  However, as part of the financial arrangements order after divorce or civil partnership dissolution, the court can decide that you are required to pay monthly maintenance for your step-child." 

https://www.familylawgroup.co.uk/site/blog/flg-news/what-rights-do-stepparents-have-after-divorce

I don't think you should just assume you have no liability to pay for the child. To me, the child's situation re-inforces the need for you to employ a competent solicitor.

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Splitting up from a long term relationship is never easy. 

You mentioned earlier that you no longer love your wife. I suspect there are many like you but stick it out because it's the easiest option or stay together because of kids. 

I think you definitely need to talk to her and be honest about your feelings. You owe that to her and yourself.  You need to do that before moving onto any legal or technical matters of what next

I am sure that if you have reached this point that you have probably tried or thought of ways to try and change your relationship and you could not have picked a worse time to be going through this now, with nowhere to go in the midst of lockdown. 

Maybe there is some guilt on your part which you need to deal with. How do you think that she will take the news that you want to break up? 

Do you dislike her or have merely fallen out of love and need to move on. Could you still be friends? 

Loads of emotional issues to sort out first I reckon. Once that is out of the way then it maybe easier to deal with practical issues of separation and then divorce which will take some time. 

Best of luck whatever happens

Agony Aunt Nightcrawler 

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Posted (edited)
11 hours ago, Nohero said:

The child is her’s, not mine. I would have no liability to pay for her. She is in touch with the girl’s father and he pays towards her.

Things have been rocky for a while and in lockdown I’ve seen a side to her I don’t want to be involved with. 
 

The kid is very spoilt and that puts a big strain on things.

RUN nohero RUN

Edited by grayray
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