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AJSP

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My folks are in their early 80’s and not in bad nick but declining obviously.

ive suggested they move to us and we both buy a big house where they occupy the ground floor and we live on the upper two floors.

this is probably stressful all round. 

Dad is up for it. Mother isn’t.

Plan B- I get them to buy a 2 bed flat near us and we visit / take care daily

Has anyone had experience of that dilemma as I’m struggling 

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That’s a very good idea, and I wish more people would do it. Just makes sense. 
 

Obviously I can’t comment. Parents divorced after 40 years, Dad passed at 74 after short battle with lung cancer. Mom is tip-top, endless energy, wouldn’t be surprised if she makes it to 105 AND outlives me

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My Uncle is in his late 80's and lives alone in his West London house, his Grandson wants him to move up to Leeds where he lives with his family but he refuses. As I am his only relative that lives in London and live about 4 miles away I have been called to replace glass in his door. He broke it as he locked himself out, twice.

He also let a complete stranger move in, she was a neighbour in her late 60's that he didn't know. She had an arguement with her family and he just let her stay for a week, again his Grandson calls can I pop around and see what he's upto?

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We had similar situation we could see dad was coping but surviving but not living he had his routine ( was 94) but determined to stay in his House , had seen what mum had gone through with toumour of the brain stem and spent her last 6 months incoherent in a rest home .Dad had spent the previous 18 months caring for her 

So some time after mum died dad suggested we buy his house long story short we declined but moved in 

The house was a very large 90 year Old place  with huge sun rooms etc but only 2 bed room we converted the second dining room / study computer room in to another bed room 6m x5m  with a ensuite in what was part of the massive laundry next door  so dad could step out of his bedroom in to the kitchen in the middle of the house and he had the back half of the house with a big sun room and a separate lounge the opened up in to the garden and we had the front half with original dining room and lounge 

This situation worked well as I left for work at 4am and pang would look in on him before going to work at 9 .Dad would cook his dinner at 5 ( liked his routine )and we would cook about 8ish when we both got home

It allowed him to have his independence and privacy but allowed us to keep a eye on him and on our days off he would have dinner with us ,we would have stuff that you just wouldn't bother if you were cooking just for your self like a full on roasts with all the trimmings and old fashioned cooked deserts 

Any other questions just ask

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If on good terms, it's a rare honor to spend as much time as possible with one's folks at the tail end of their lives.

Despite the stresses of caring for the aged, finding a co-housing arrangement makes it easier and often more fulfilling.

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My dad is 84, since my mum passed 10 years ago , we speak daily ( apart from when I am on holiday , then it's weekly and a few texts ) I also visit a couple of times a week , always on a Sunday for lunch , he puts in the oven , I finish off , serve up and do the dishes .. love him , but no way could I live with him .. he drinks more than I do .. 555

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My Dad is in his late 80's, he's capable of looking after himself, but the most important thing is to allow your parents their independence. He's 400 yards away, I see him almost daily and also give him enough space so as not to intrude while keeping everything squared away for him.

No one likes to be dependent upon someone, and as a parent that means least of all your kids -  because in the eyes of our parents, we have always been dependent upon them. It works differently in SEA and the culture there, but we're not on about that.

My Mum and Dad moved in with us for 6 months a few years ago. Co habitation is bloody hard work and the pressure is often on your partner, and kids, not you, because they're your Mum and Dad so you've grown up with them, but your family has not. Bad idea and very hard to make it work keeping everyone happy, especially the kids who need their own space for moods / study and "me time".

Also, it puts pressure on them to align with your habits and nuances and vice versa. Argue with the Mrs? everyone sees it. Kids have a meltdown? - everyone sees it. Someone pissing on the toilet seat? - how do you approach that without discussion?.

As people get older and face their own mortality, they prefer their chosen company. My Dad chats with his old forces buddies (those that are alive anyway) and he has his own circle of friends. He comes to us when he needs something small or large, because we're his support network, but his emotions he keeps away from us. Living under the same roof would restrict that from him, as he'd feel he would be scrutinised by everyone, making him uncomfortable which in turn would exacerbate things.

People need space, they need independence and they need to feel that they're loved and needed. Striking that balance is hard, and when they're living with you, it is almost impossible.

That's my opinion, FWIW.

 

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The thing that I don’t wish upon anyone is dealing with a parent with serious dementia. Dad went through it with my grandfather, and it takes serious patience. 
 

Funny story about Dad passing last year, as I had wanted to let someone at his old corporation know to pass on the word. He had a good younger friend as a neighbour, they carpooled to work together in the 1980’s. So I couldn’t find him online, but found his daughter’s Facebook and then his email. I then find out his wife, who used to babysit me, had passed at only 60, on St. Paddy’s 2020 when COVID broke, after ten years of dementia. 5 years of getting worse at home, then 5 years in an institution where he’d visit, only to be yelled at by her saying “get out of here, I don’t know you”. 
That’s very sad…..

You hear stories like that, and heart attack or aneurysm, or even a quick killing cancer is much less painful for everyone involved

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Mum died at 54,dad at 66.

Enjoy what time you can with them.

We have a pretty long history of dying young in my family, probably one of the reasons I have lived a destructive lifestyle.

Didn't have a high life expectancy.

 

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2 minutes ago, galenkia said:

Mum died at 54,dad at 66.

Enjoy what time you can with them.

We have a pretty long history of dying young in my family, probably one of the reasons I have lived a destructive lifestyle.

Didn't have a high life expectancy.

 

I must say that’s very young for both of them, had no idea mate. As you say, make the most of the years you DO have

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1 minute ago, Golfingboy said:

I must say that’s very young for both of them, had no idea mate. As you say, make the most of the years you DO have

Yes, honestly, none of us know how much time we have, so spend it with your loved ones while you can.

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Mum's 85 today... we had a small family gathering.... which she insisted on catering for, and tidying up afterwards, although I did load the dishwasher. Still remarkably independent,  drives into town most days,  weekly keep fit group, book groups, WI, puts me to shame really... Lived alone apart from the cat since dad died 12 years ago.

We Skype most days, and I'm up there (about 30 miles) every week to cut the grass and do odd things that need doing about the house. My brother and I talk regularly  about her future, then rapidly decide not to rock the boat. When she starts to slow down then we'll put some real thought into it. We both hope, in the nicest way, that she just won't wake up one morning before it comes to that....

Oh... she doesn't like "trashy" presents anymore... her request for last Christmas was a ball of string, as hers was running out. For her birthday....could she have a step ladder please as her old one was full of woodworm, and she wasn't sure how much longer she'd be able to use it to prune the roses....

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My dad died in 2001 aged 79 and my mum's only sibling 3 months later.

But my mum is an incredibly strong woman and still going at 92.She joined some clubs and made some good friends,going to pubs every Saturday lunchtime & going all over the country on coach trips.Alas one by one all of her friends have passed away.She was driving up until about a year ago & I was very relieved when she finally agreed for me to sell her car recently.

Her memory is pretty awful and a few times lately she's been having what I can only think are hallucinations,seeing and talking to her sister.But I have noticed her walking has been much better lately.

She had a bad fall in January which resulted in a two week stay in hospital and several staples in her head and another fall a couple of weeks ago for a two day hospital stay.On both occasions I could tell that the hospital staff were glad to see the back of her as she'd been a very difficult patient.Last time when I went to take her home there was a notice on the (locked) entrance door to the ward: Warning there is a very confused person on the other side of this door.It was her,trying to get out.

She still lives in the house I was brought up in,with only an upstairs toilet and bedrooms also upstairs.We wanted to get her a flat near us(6 miles away) but she is very stubborn and refuses to move.My missus was going round & doing some hoovering etc but in the end stopped as it was causing a lot of friction.My mum also refuses any help from social services.

I have no brothers or sisters so I spend an awful lot of time & petrol going round the M25 to sort out any problems she has,also to do her shopping.One bright spot on the horizon is that she's agreed to go into a care home for 6 weeks so that I can go to Thailand with the missus.

Boy am I looking forward to that.

Edited by coxyhog
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6 hours ago, coxyhog said:

One bright spot on the horizon is that she's agreed to go into a care home for 6 weeks so that I can go to Thailand with the missus.

Boy am I looking forward to that.

Let's hope she likes it so much she wants to stay there.

My father died a couple of years ago at age 79, still clear of mind but his body was more or less done for, so he decided to call it quits with medical assistance.

My mother is 80, still going strong mentally, but a couple of fractures have limited her a bit. A couple of years ago she broke her vow of never remarrying after the divorce with my father (about 40 years ago now). 

Edited by Freee!!
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11 minutes ago, Freee!! said:

Let's hope she likes it so much she wants to stay there.

Absolutely!

Btw when I rang her this afternoon she'd been doing a spot of gardening!

Edited by coxyhog
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I returned to UK in 2018 because of concerns about my old girl. My sister lives almost opposite her, is 13 years younger than me and was/is her principal carer. She was in the midst of a health scare herself and with a couple of teenage lads, had her hands full. 

After a couple of days we had a coffee in Marks and sparks, I told mum she was looking great, better than when young Smiler and I saw her the previous Christmas. She said she was afraid of losing her mind as she was getting a bit forgetful. 

Relaying the conversation to my sis later that evening, she had also had had the same chat with mum but we both thought she was quite bright and sharp. No worries really. 

Next morning I am still on Thai time and awake at stupid o'clock. I go to the fridge for milk and find the remote control for the TV in there... 😃🙄😁

Since 2018 I have been trying to split myself between UK and Thailand. I will be back in UK in a couple of months to give my sis a break, sort any jobs that need doing around mum's and so on.

The mother in law is 96 and as Mrs Smiler is the youngest child she takes care. Its a full time 24/7 job. I may do a separate thread on Yai, she is an amazing woman. 

Never imagined my life would end up revolving around 2 elderly ladies half a world away from each other. As was mentioned earlier it is a real privaledge to help them enjoy their twilight years, it's so rewarding all be it hard work sometimes. 

Ads mate you certainly aren't alone with your deliberations on what to do. There is not a one size fits all solution IMHO, some good experiences here though and hopefully food for thought. 

 

Edited by Smiler
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On 6/12/2022 at 5:14 PM, Freee!! said:

My father died a couple of years ago at age 79, still clear of mind but his body was more or less done for, so he decided to call it quits with medical assistance.

I wish I lived in a country where that were possible. 😟

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56 minutes ago, Bazle said:

I wish I lived in a country where that were possible. 😟

Couldn't agree more.

I'm a huge advocate of medically assisted death when the person isn't going to get better and has had enough. As the saying goes you wouldn't treat a dog like we treat some humans, just keeping them alive, in pain and feeling awful.

I feel certain that in 100 years it'll be readily available and some years after that people will be saying "in the old days people had to suffer through indignity and pain. Now we can book our death online".

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1 hour ago, Bazle said:

I wish I lived in a country where that were possible. 😟

If you are mentally fit to decide to end your life due to serious medical reasons I think we should allow it in the UK.

It's Like being punished to stay alive.

 

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