AussieBob

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the new pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park many months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to keep it wet and place it on the organ, and that it would prevent the spread of illnesses and disease. Do you know - I haven't had a cold or the flu all winter?"

A guy i knew in Canada a long time ago bought a new fridge. He decided to give the old one to someone who really needed it for free. So he put the fridge on the front lawn with the following sign, 'please feel free to take this if you need it - it works just fine.' 2 weeks later the fridge was still there - so he moved it and changed the sign, 'good working fridge for sale - $100' The next morning the fridge was gone.

A young man was arrested for stalking and harassing a lady on a bus. The prosecution outlined what had happened. A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat but this time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed even more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver. The driver had the man arrested at the next stop. The Judge then asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus. I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said. ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned. Than she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said.'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident’ I burst out laughing, and she then got very upset”.

I have kleptomania – especially for Hi-Tech mobile devices. When I was in court for these offences, I was asked if there were any mitigating circumstances. I replied, “Your Honour, I went to see my doctor about it and he told me to keep taking the tablets.”

LETTER FROM A BAR GIRL Dear Bill, I love you and I miss you too much. My friend bar say you old man look same same monkey but I know you hansum man. I have problem I write you before that buffalo me sick. Now it die fall down and dead in middle of rice field. Bad fortune when it fall it fall on papa and break leg he three place. Now he not work. Brother me make stretcher bamboo he take from roof house. Roof come down and rain in house. He take papa to hospital on motorcycle. Have big accident when he come home hit police car. Police say brother me blame. Police say he pay big money. Not worry darling motorcycle OK but police car bad broken. Bad luck make Mama heart problem. Doctor say she must triple by pass. I no understand but brother me say you understand. You know darling I only work in bar and not go with man. I wait for you come back Hua Hin but if you no help me I go with many many many many farang get pay bills money. Old people my village say you responsible if you send money me before buy medicine sick buffalo then it not die papa no break leg house have roof brother no ride into police car mama no have heart problem. Send me 500,000 baht for my bank. Papa fix 50,000, new roof 30,000, new police car 200,000, Mama fix 150,000. I take off 2,000 baht for sell buffalo meat but me have to pay more hospital bill for 24 people have problem eat bad meat 12,000 baht. I do not know money England but my brother me say me it 52.2424 mid market rate close of trading yesterday. This means you send me 10,000 your pound. I love you darling Noi.

Just watched the live replay - Rory got there in the end - but he sure had me worried. Definitely an issue there between the ears. One minute unbeatable - next thing you know he hits worse tee-offs than I did today. JT did well - put pressure on and faltered right at the end - a great battle to watch. Finau is weird - he is like 'sorry, I didnt mean to birdie that hole, I hope you guys dont hate me' - what a pussy.

LIV was great - last day showed how good it is. The Sth Africans cleaned up with Charl winning over $5 million all up. Big crowds and lots of live streaming - service overloaded at one point but YouTube all good. A few kinks to iron out but overall it was excellent. Patrick Reid and Pat Perez have joined - I expect a few more coming soon - probably after the Open. In answer to that post slagging off Reid on Twitter - the answers are obvious: 1. You are a snowflake liberal right - emotional personal abuse is MOI for you guys. 2. Remember Hiroshima and Nagasaki - how many innocent women and children killed or maimed for life. Saudis have a long long way to go to ever get near that - let alone in Vietnam, Korea, Libya, etc etc etc (Pot and Kettle mate?) 3.. I get you would love some more oil for the Saudis - especially now it is $5 a gallon in US.

Will Finau fold and collapse like a cheap suit yet again - or will he show some internal fortitude. Could be a great last day to watch if he steps up - both bombers hitting it a mile. Too far IMO but that is for another day/year.

The PGA has banned/suspended their registered players who competed in the LIV event in London. The DP World Tour (European Tour) is thinking about their decision - but obviously under a lot of pressure to follow the PGA. The Asian Tour sanctioned the LIV events so their players have no issues. Worth noting that the majority of players in London are not USA players. But after Bryson De Chambeau has announced he is playing the next LIV event, the rumours are that some/all of the following may join him: Patrick Reed, Rickie Fowler, Matt Wolff, Pat Perez, Bubba Watson and Jason Kokrak. The LIV management has responded that the PGA Tour's decision is vindictive and probably a breach of employment and/or contract laws as they are basically 'free agents' not employees. Ian Poulter has declared he will legally challenge the decision, and there are several others considering joining in that legal challenge - it is unknown what legal/financial support LIV will provide to the players' legal challenge. However, several other players, most notably Sergio Garcia, have said they dont care and the PGA can shove it up their ..........

Fair enough - lets stay away from Norman - he is a very polarising person. But just to briefly answer your points - the younger players will have the incentive to do well and earn heaps by getting into the invited list of players each year (like in Basketball, NFL, Hockey, etc etc). Currently in golf the average players are capable to make serious money without being real good - $15 million without a win and only a few top 10s is wrong. The LIV wanted to be a part of the overall tours - the Asian Tour supported and sanctioned them - but the PGA will not accept a new member/competitor - so LIV went ahead without them. Glad we agree about the rules - but it is even more important for us amateurs. What might be OK for the pros on their manicured well maintained courses, is utterly ridiculous to impose on us amateurs playing on average amateur managed golf courses, with too many aholes who do replace divots at all, nor rack the greens at all, and on greens and bunkers and fairways that are just nowhere near the quality the Pros have. I remember the first time I played in a ProAm - I could not believe how good the fairways were - so easy to hit a good shot - and the bunkers were perfect - so easy to get out of - the greens were very quick, but they were true and they were all the same speed. Forcing amateurs to play by the same rules as Pros is just effin ridiculous.

Yep - that is what happens - we start thinking about something that we never thought much about before. Mortality sucks. But what sucks worse is being aware of it and knowing it is coming.

No cut - each player is on a salary/contract - big bucks for the big names, less for the unknowns. But there is significant bonuses available to all who play each event for how well they play - many $millions - much more than what is on offer at the Majors and it is spread across fewer players and there is no cut. Winning bonuses for each event and overall season - both as a player and as part of a team. Each team is 4 players - 12 teams so far. The competition could take 18 teams of 4 players (72 in total) - it is shotgun start stroke play.

Called my Mother a while ago (87) and she said it felt like Christmas was only last week. Time is relative, and the older you are, the faster it goes - Einstein. Enjoy what time you have left - and dont worry about how quickly it is coming, because it comes at us all and there aint a thing you can do about it.