Jump to content


  • Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Country

    United Kingdom

Community Reputation

59 Excellent

About ukdave51

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. Japan winning 21-7 at half time but it doesn`t really matter because the scots will want a replay if they don`t like the result.
  2. A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says: Hot dog – $2 Cheeseburger – $5 Hand job – $10 He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”
  3. A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group. She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said."That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow.""That's no better either, Hamish.""Now, how about you, Paddy?"The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out; "London ". “Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said;..."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- erry".
  4. A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
  5. his little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent." The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."
  6. There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it. A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
  7. ukdave51

    The Ashes

    He has bowled a no ball on average every 32.4 overs in his career, pretty bad timing to do it today I would say.
  8. ukdave51

    The Ashes

    It was hitting, what`s the problem?
  9. ukdave51

    The Ashes

    Scheduling a ashes match in the rain capital of the UK first week of September isn`t exactly bright is it?
  10. ukdave51

    The Ashes

    ust finished watching the highlights again and took a close look at the contentious lbw shout, I rewound it several times and really cant lay any blame at the door of Joel Wilson, it did indeed appear to flick the front pad and it was going down. even at first glance it looked like it was missing. Well thats the way I saw it through my RTGs.
  11. ukdave51

    The Ashes

    “That was appalling umpiring,” The Australian’s chief cricket writer Peter Lalor told SEN. “Joel Wilson has had a nightmare. An absolute nightmare.” Maybe he should point the finger at their own skipper for the appalling review the over before? Joel Wilson has had a very poor series has have the other umpires, but it hasn't been exclusive to the Aussies.
  12. ukdave51

    The Ashes

    Imagine wasting a review on a ball that pitched half a foot outside off stump then not having one when Stokes was plum with 2 runs needed. Not to mention when Nathan Lyon failed to gather the ball to run out Leach the ball before, fine margins and all that.
  13. ukdave51

    The Ashes

    Broad needs to step aside to make way for the young guns.
  14. Liar. keep dreaming of winning anything significant on the international stage.
  15. No real surprise its a Australian umpire that as bought this up, its a rule that open to interpretation. cant handle the fact his precious countryman haven't won without the help of sand paper.
  • Create New...