AussieBob Posted March 17, 2022 Share Posted March 17, 2022 Two blokes were pushing their trolleys around a huge supermarket when they collided. The first bloke said, “Sorry, I was looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t looking where I was going.” The second bloke replied, “That’s OK, I’ve lost my wife, too, and I’m starting to get a little worried.” “Well, maybe we can help each other find them,” the first bloke said. “Why don’t you tell me what your wife looks like?” “She’s 27, tall, blonde, has enormous tits and is wearing a miniskirt and halter top. What’s your missus look like?” said the second bloke “Bugger my wife,” said the first bloke. “Let’s look for yours!” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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AussieBob Posted March 17, 2022 Share Posted March 17, 2022 A Leeds fan , an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd fan were all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.The Man Utd. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.The Leeds fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of England, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!""Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Leeds fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.""Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked."Tie that Man United fan to my back! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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AussieBob Posted March 17, 2022 Share Posted March 17, 2022 In a trial, a Southern USA small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." Both attorneys were stunned and couldn't say a word. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, he said "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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AussieBob Posted March 17, 2022 Share Posted March 17, 2022 Warnings written on military equipment and in publications: "Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U.S. Army "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop "If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal "Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." --Col. David Hackworth "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." Unknown Army Recruit "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Unknown Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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gs joe Posted March 17, 2022 Share Posted March 17, 2022 Bliss AD6CA2BF-7A18-4579-92F0-D5257DCB4F60.MOV Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lirchenfeld Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butch Posted March 19, 2022 Share Posted March 19, 2022 Russian guy walks into a Moscow car dealership to buy a brand new Lada. He chooses the model, colour and specification, pays the money and the Car salesman then says: Right, "Sir, we can deliver your car in 4 years time, the delay is due to the shortage of parts and labour" "morning or afternoon comrade?" "Why are you so concerned? it's 4 years in the future, such a long time away?" "Because I've got a plumber coming around in the morning". (all credit to Ronald Reagan) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butch Posted March 19, 2022 Share Posted March 19, 2022 What did Socialists use for light before candles? Electricity. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AussieBob Posted March 20, 2022 Share Posted March 20, 2022 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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