Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[forcebwithu]

[KhunDon]

[AussieBob]

A lawyer said to his secretary “I want to have sex with you and I will make it as fast as I can."

"You take off your panties and I'll throw $500 on the floor.  You bend over to pick the money up.  When you’ve picked up all the money, I will stop.  That is the deal.  But remember, a deal is a deal in the law and I am a lawyer.”

She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.  Her boyfriend thought a bit and then said to her, "Do it. But ask him for $1000.  Pick up the money very fast. He will probably not event have enough time to get going.  Let me know how it goes. We will go out tonight and celebrate!"

So she agrees.

10 minutes goes by with no call from the GF.  So the BF  decides to call. When she answers he asks, “What happened? Did you get the money” 

She responds, "The bastard used $1 notes, which I'm still picking up - and it looks like he wants to go again!"

[AussieBob]

"Mr Luckless, before I pass sentence, do you have anyone who could vouch for your good character?" asked the judge. 
"Yes, Your Honour, I do," he replied. 
"Him over there" and he pointed to the local police officer. 
"But your Honour," spluttered the officer, "I've never met this man in my life." 
"Exactly," exclaimed Mr Luckless, triumphantly. "I've lived in this town for twenty years and the police still don't know me. 
Now doesn't that show good character?" 

[AussieBob]

The missus asked what I was doing on the computer.
I said I was looking for cheap flights...
She got all excited, which is strange as she's never shown any interest in Darts before!

[AussieBob]

A rather reticent young girl was asked how she got on with her new boyfriend. 
"Let's just say my legs are my best friends," she replied mysteriously. 
"Oh come on," said her mate. "What does that mean?" 
"It means he came on too strong so I walked home." 
A few weeks later the two friends were talking and the girl's mate asked her how her new date went on the previous night. 
"Pretty much as before," she replied. "My legs are my best friends." 
Time went by and on the third time they met up, the girl looked radiantly happy. 
"You're looking well," commented her mate. "Something's doing you good." 
"Oh yes," replied the girl. "I've met this wonderful bloke and let's just say even the best of friends must part." 

[AussieBob]

Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

[AussieBob]

Hospital regulations at the local Hospital were strictly enforced.

One day a nurse walked into a room and found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the edge of a bed with a suitcase at his feet.  Despite her directions he insisted that he didn't need her help to leave the hospital.

After a strong lecture about obeying the rules, the old man let the nurse pick up the suitcase and wheel him to the lift.

On the way down the nurse asked him if his wife or any other member of the family would be downstairs to meet him.

'I don't know about others,' he said, 'but my wife is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown, and that is her suitcase.' 

[AussieBob]

"Now don't forget," said the stern mother, as her daughter went out on her first date, "say no to everything he suggests."

Later on in the evening after they'd been out to dinner he turned to her and asked, "Do you mind if we go back to my place for a bit of sex?" 

[AussieBob]

The stadium was absolutely full for the grand final - with the exception of one empty seat.  

The bloke sitting on one side of it leaned over and asked the fella on the other side "How come that seat's empty?  I know a bunch of people who would have paid a fortune to get it"

"Well, my wife and I dreamed of coming to the grand final to see our team play, but sadly she passed away recently".

"Oh, I'm sorry.  So you're keeping it vacant in memory of her?"

"No, I couldn't find anyone to come with me.  Everyone else I know is at her funeral".

[AussieBob]

A woman went to her vicar to seek advice on her forthcoming wedding.

This was to be her third husband and she was not sure how to tell him that she was still a virgin.

"But how can that be?" exclaimed the vicar. "You've already had two husbands."

"That's true, but my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he did was talk about it, my second husband was a gynaecologist and all he did was look at it. But this time I'm sure it will be different. This time I'm marrying a lawyer so I'm sure to get screwed over right and proper."

[AussieBob]

A man is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse arrives and gives him a partial sponge bath.

 "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

 Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

 He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

 Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

 She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

 The man reaches up, slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but I wanted to know:   Are - my - test - results - back?" 

[Lirchenfeld]

[lazarus]

[karon steve]

Despite the high cost of living it still remains popular.

[lazarus]

[lazarus]

[forcebwithu]

[Golfingboy]