Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? "

Soldier: "OK, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Let's try that again."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? "

Soldier: "No, sir!"

[Lirchenfeld]

[Pingrones]

[coxyhog]

Our UK members will understand....

[coxyhog]

Edited April 8, 2022 by coxyhog

[coxyhog]

Just now, coxyhog said:

Best outfit seen at Aintree....

[forqalso]

On 4/7/2022 at 2:16 AM, Pingrones said:

I ran that Thai through Google Translate: 

Preparation instructions

Recommended Cooking Directions: 1. Boil 2 cups water. Add noodles from one package, breaking up if desired. Cook 3 minutes, stirring occasionally. 2. Remove from heat. Stir in seasonings from one flavor packet. To lower sodium, use less seasoning.

[tko]

[coxyhog]

[lazarus]

[coxyhog]

[tko]

[SteveBC]

The Mechanic and The Cardiologist

   

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor

of a LS460 when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop.

 

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come

and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the

garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

 

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

 

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,

repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in,

and when I finished, it worked just like new.

 

So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M,

when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

 

 

The cardiologist paused, leaned over,

and then whispered to the mechanic.......

 

 

"Try doing it with the engine running.”

 

[KhunDon]

I’ve got the T Shirt, all the medical conditions and all the medications needed to be a member of this club. 

 

Edited April 10, 2022 by KhunDon

[tko]

[KhunDon]

Popped into the library today and found that my penis was in the Guinness Book of Records, then the librarian came over and told me to take it out. 😉

[tko]

[biggles]

Not my job, This made me laugh. Years ago when the road down Soi Bongkot was built (GC clubs now, pirates etc) an electrical team installed the power poles, one right in the middle of the zig zag tarmac. After quite a few months, they removed it, but left a hole, which got steadily deeper over a few more months. The locals just put bigger and bigger tree branches in it.... It got filled in, eventually! 

[coxyhog]

[AussieBob]

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire brigades for miles around. After several crews have been fighting the fire for s short while, the chemical company CEO approaches the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved!  I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

The crews try, but no one can get through to the vault. Then suddenly, another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire brigade of men over 60, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the fire and stops right next to vault.

The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas in the vault, while the other crews put out the fire from the outside.

When it is all over, the CEO walks over and writes a cheque for $100,000 reward to the volunteer crew. "What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the CEO asks.

The crew boss looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the bloody brakes on that truck."

 

[AussieBob]

A new vicar had taken over at the small village church and he was eager to make a good impression.

After the service, the congregation emerged from the church and each shook hands with the vicar. 

"Lovely sermon," said one. 
"It really made me stop and think," said another. 

All of a sudden, a scuffy old man shuffled past and mumbled, "Load of crap." 

Determined not to be affected by this, the vicar carried on greeting his parishioners. 

"Splendid sermon," they said, "thank you very much". 
"Quite inspiring." 
The vicar beamed gratefully. 

"Call himself a vicar?" came the mumbling of the scruffy old man as he passed the vicar again.

This time, the vicar was a bit upset, and the situation worsened as the man kept re-appearing and making comments like:  "Bored to tears", "Not worth listening to", "What a prat!" 

The vicar could take it no longer. He turned to one of the congregation who had just walked up to speak to him, and he pointed to the scruffy old man, and asked her if she knew him.

"Oh, you mustn't worry about old Ned, Vicar," said the kindly old woman. "He's not right in the head, but he is harmless. He just wanders around and around, and keeps repeating and repeating the last thing he heard anyone saying!" 

[AussieBob]

There was a knock on the Mother Superior's door. 

"Come in," she called. 

"Oh Mother Superior, you'll never believe this but we've discovered a case of syphilis," said the nun, visibly shocked. 

"Oh good," replied the ageing nun.

Eventually one of the Nuns, even more shocked asked in a trembling voice "Mother Superior, why did you say that?"

"I really was getting fed up with the same old Muscat and Blue Nun." 

[AussieBob]

An old man had lost his wife and was invited to an old golfing buddy's home for dinner for the first time.

He noticed that his old buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, etc.  He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married well over 50 years.

While the wife was in the kitchen, he said whispered to him, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy shrugged his shoulders and whispered back, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 2 years ago."