Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)

[AussieBob]

An old vicar was retiring and selling his horse, so he put an ad in the local newspaper.

It wasn't long before it was bought by Bob who decided to ride it home. \

But when he mounted up, the horse wouldn't move. 

"I trained this horse from a little foal," said the vicar. "He only moves when you say 'Jesus Christ' and stops when you say 'Amen'." 

Bob thanked the vicar and sure enough when he said 'Jesus Christ', the horse set off. 

On the way home they were caught in a ferocious thunderstorm and the horse bolted when there was a particularly loud crack of thunder.  By the time Bob had recovered his wits, the horse was galloping madly through the countryside towards a cliff, and it took him a moment or two to remember to say 'Amen'.  Immediately the horse came to a standstill, teetering right on the edge of the deep canyon. 

"Jesus Christ!" was the last words Bob said. 

[AussieBob]

A man walks into a wine bar, sits down at a table and studies the menu.

A couple of minutes later he looks up to see a beautiful waitress standing in front of him.

She is so gorgeous that he gasps with pure lust. 

"What would you like?" she asks with a bored 'here we go again' look on her face. 

"A glass of claret and a quickie please," he replies.

The waitress is so annoyed that she storms off. But she returns a few minutes later when she has calmed down. 

Again she asks "What would you like that is one the menu!" 

He smiles and says again, "A glass of claret and a quickie please." 

"That's it" she yells, gives him a very dirty look and stomps off.

The man sits there dumbstruck when a guy at the next table leans over and whispers; "It's pronounced 'quiche'." 

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem - something that she had nagged him about for a long time because she was Jewish.

While they were there, the wife suddenly passed away.

The local undertaker told the husband, "You can have her body shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $1500."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your Jewish wife home, when it would be wonderful for her to be buried here - and you would spend only $1500?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead."   Shaking his head, he continued, "I just can't take that chance."

 

[KhunDon]

Mother superior was soaking in a hot bath after a long hard day. 
There was a knock at the door, mother superior said “come in” and sister Mary popped her head around the door and said, “sorry to bother you Mother superior, but the blind man from the village has arrived and wants a word with you”. Mother Superior thought to herself, well he’s blind so what harm can it do and told Sister Mary to show him in. 
So, in walks the blind man and said to Mother Superior “ nice tits mother, where do you want these blinds hung”. 

Edited April 14, 2022 by KhunDon

[Lirchenfeld]

[Lirchenfeld]

[coxyhog]

[tko]

[Pingrones]

#AmberTurd

[coxyhog]

[coxyhog]

@galenkia 😂

Edited April 21, 2022 by coxyhog

[forqalso]

A school teacher was arrested earlier today in a Florida airport as he departed a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Governor said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Florida State Police with carrying weapons of math instruction.

[Pingrones]

[coxyhog]

[gs joe]

[lazarus]

[gs joe]

[tko]

[coxyhog]

[tko]