lazarus Posted November 6, 2020 Share Posted November 6, 2020 ^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coxyhog Posted November 6, 2020 Share Posted November 6, 2020 The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’ The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied. ‘Remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’ The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. ‘What are the greens fees?’ grumbled the old man. ‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’ Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. ‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man. ‘This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’ The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. ‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?’ he asked. ‘That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’ The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’ ‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer. ‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’ ‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’ The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your fucking bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!!’ 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coxyhog Posted November 6, 2020 Share Posted November 6, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazle Posted November 8, 2020 Share Posted November 8, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lazarus Posted November 8, 2020 Share Posted November 8, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lazarus Posted November 8, 2020 Share Posted November 8, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lirchenfeld Posted November 8, 2020 Share Posted November 8, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simon Posted November 10, 2020 Share Posted November 10, 2020 On 11/8/2020 at 11:47 PM, Lirchenfeld said: 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lazarus Posted November 10, 2020 Share Posted November 10, 2020 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerry Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 1 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerry Posted November 14, 2020 Share Posted November 14, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lirchenfeld Posted November 15, 2020 Share Posted November 15, 2020 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerry Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coxyhog Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJSP Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, coxyhog said: The Jewish gag was fantastic “Meet me half way , buy a ticket” 🤣🤣🤣 Edited November 17, 2020 by AJSP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lirchenfeld Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 On 11/17/2020 at 2:12 PM, Kerry said: 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerry Posted November 19, 2020 Share Posted November 19, 2020 IMG_2872.MP4 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lirchenfeld Posted November 21, 2020 Share Posted November 21, 2020 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerry Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerry Posted November 26, 2020 Share Posted November 26, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lirchenfeld Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 "A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I´m still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you´ve been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he´d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn´t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn´t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn´t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I´ve married you, I´m really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You´re a lawyer. This time I know I´m going to get screwed!" 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coxyhog Posted December 4, 2020 Share Posted December 4, 2020 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coxyhog Posted December 8, 2020 Share Posted December 8, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KhunDon Posted December 8, 2020 Share Posted December 8, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lirchenfeld Posted December 9, 2020 Share Posted December 9, 2020 The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. During Mass he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn´t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn´t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn´t belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn´t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock? All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts