Survivor guilt - Is it just me?.

[Butch]

I found out today that yet another one of my mates had died, but he passed away just over 2 years ago now and I've only just found out.

we met on a course we'd been sent on back in 1990, I forget what it was, but I probably only volunteered for it as it was a week long embuggerance with decent food, better surroundings and an allowance which would be spent on cheap beer and hopefully a visit to a prostitute, or at least a ham shank in an alleyway. My enduring memory of him is us going to a burger van, both pissed, I told him I'd buy him a burger so he went and ordered the most expensive one he could and asked for 3 cans of coke LOL. "bacon double cheeseburger with mushrooms and 3 cokes please mate, as you've kindly offered haha". That cleared me out of my "prossie stash" in one hit. Twat. We were pretty close for a while, but lost touch as the years progressed and our paths veered off from each other.

I only found out by accident by bumping into his daughter this afternoon. He died during covid, in a "secure" hospital while being ( apparently not) treated for cancer. He was cremated, ashes scattered and only close family attended due to C-19. 55 years old.

The one constant my now departed mates all wanted in their lives was stability. These guys weren't asking for the moon on a stick, they just wanted to finish their time, get a nice comfortable house with a garden, grab some pension and spend their days getting old surrounded by loved ones and watching their grand kids grow up.

I'm sitting here with a full belly, cold rum and coke, while my Mrs and daughter are laughing at a tagalog movie downstairs. Later on she'll call me, we'll go to bed, cuddle and sleep. They'll still be here in the morning, and inshallah, so will I.

Like many of us, in recent times and prior I've lost many friends, and as time goes on I often wonder why I'm still here and they aren't, why I've got a great life, my health, a wonderful family and a decent job. I really don't deserve it by any stretch of the imagination if one's past activities are anything to go by. I haven't been a "bad boy", I've just been a c**t.

Life is short. It also sucks sometimes.

[Nightcrawler]

I think we all have those feelings at times, related to our own mortality. We are all going to die. Some of us are closer than others  

The older we get, the more people we will see gone  Should we feel guilty? No, logically, but guilt is an emotion and emotions are not usually logical. I am sorry for your bad news and that you didn't find out until much later. I have had a similar experience. 

I think it's best to celebrate that we are lucky to have what we have, while we have it.  I dont want anyone to feel guilty when I pass, but hopefully like you, I am also a c*nt😁 although I consider you to be a slightly bigger c*nt than me😁 but a very likeable c*nt nonetheless. 

We only get one shot at life and regardless of how long  that may be, nothing is ever fair 

Cancer in particular rarely discriminates and resides in all of us waiting for its time to strike. 

There is a saying that "only the good die young" which is not necessarily true but its a way of justifying an early departure. 

I must say, that sometimes I think that I have overstayed my welcome.🥲

[karon steve]

I would never feel guilty I would remember the evening leading up to the burger van and say thanks for the great memory. His spirit lives on. 

[Derek Dangleberries]

Pffft! I am the King of survivor guilt. You are a mere amateur young man!!

Live your life as best you can, others weren't given the opportunity to live beyond their 20s and 30s.

Love, cherish and care for the ones you love without stifling them.

Enjoy every moment with your daughter, she'll be all grown up and gone in the blink of an eye!

EDIT = I am now feeling guilty that I forgot the anniversary of somebody shot off a tower in Coalisland on 16th Sept .. Living really shouldn't be this bloody difficult!!

Edited September 24, 2023 by Derek Dangleberries

[Glasseye]

5 hours ago, Nightcrawler said:

I think we all have those feelings at times, related to our own mortality. We are all going to die. Some of us are closer than others  

The older we get, the more people we will see gone  Should we feel guilty? No, logically, but guilt is an emotion and emotions are not usually logical. I am sorry for your bad news and that you didn't find out until much later. I have had a similar experience. 

I think it's best to celebrate that we are lucky to have what we have, while we have it.  I dont want anyone to feel guilty when I pass, but hopefully like you, I am also a c*nt😁 although I consider you to be a slightly bigger c*nt than me😁 but a very likeable c*nt nonetheless. 

We only get one shot at life and regardless of how long  that may be, nothing is ever fair 

Cancer in particular rarely discriminates and resides in all of us waiting for its time to strike. 

There is a saying that "only the good die young" which is not necessarily true but its a way of justifying an early departure. 

I must say, that sometimes I think that I have overstayed my welcome.🥲

Words well written Nightcrawl. 

[richy65]

I've lost several old mates in their 40's and 50's to cancer, liver failure etc. I'ts usually the big drinkers and smokers, it catches up with you eventually. I feel blessed to still be fit and healthy but i work at it and don't take anything for granted.

[coxyhog]

In Oman,where we @Butch,both were,there were six of us who used to hang out together.Myself & my missus,Bryan & his Thai missus & Geoff & his Philippina missus,who was a medical secretary.We had some really great times together.

The Philippina Judy was the first to go,from what I do not know,then Bryan(shortly preceded by a mate of us both, Keith,whose best man I was in Houston in 1986)who died of cancer in a Bangkok hospital(they lived in Jomtien).Then Geoff who I know had been very depressed since Judy's death,died of cancer in Manila.

There has been several other ex Oman mates who have passed away in the last few years,it's a long list.

Then there are the ex RAF mates who have gone.Went to a funeral of one in Durham a couple of years ago.

But one has to just keep on going & not feel any guilt!

[ChiFlyer]

16 hours ago, Nightcrawler said:

.....

 

We only get one shot at life and regardless of how long that may be, nothing is ever fair 

.....

Yep, there are no dress rehearsals.

[tko]

This may sound harsh, and if so, I apologize.

I was USMC, and as we say, "once a Marine, always a Marine." I guess I still am.  I had the unhappy knowledge of way too many very good friends departing this life too early.  Including some who were hit with, as you say, "survivor's guilt" and decided to join the departed.

The Corps has a tradition of celebrating those who went before but aren't still with us. I managed to latch on to that, and still today avoid the guilt by celebrating their lives and friendships.  I am saddened, but no guilt.

Now as I get older, other friends I've met outside the Corps pass.  Joe, the manager at TQ in the early  aughts, who thought only about his Thai family and never let on that the cancer had him.  Shane at NLD.  Too many others to name.

I celebrate their lives, accomplishments,and friendship to this day.

I reread this before I hit the submit button.  I'm going do it, and if I'm out of line, mods please delete.

[Freee!!]

37 minutes ago, tko said:

This may sound harsh, and if so, I apologize.

I was USMC, and as we say, "once a Marine, always a Marine." I guess I still am.  I had the unhappy knowledge of way too many very good friends departing this life too early.  Including some who were hit with, as you say, "survivor's guilt" and decided to join the departed.

The Corps has a tradition of celebrating those who went before but aren't still with us. I managed to latch on to that, and still today avoid the guilt by celebrating their lives and friendships.  I am saddened, but no guilt.

Now as I get older, other friends I've met outside the Corps pass.  Joe, the manager at TQ in the early  aughts, who thought only about his Thai family and never let on that the cancer had him.  Shane at NLD.  Too many others to name.

I celebrate their lives, accomplishments,and friendship to this day.

I reread this before I hit the submit button.  I'm going do it, and if I'm out of line, mods please delete.

As far as I am concerned, you are exactly in line as is to be expected of a Marine.