Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

 

[AussieBob]

 

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

Paddy takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him what’s the big brass gong hanging on the wall for?
Paddy says, "Its my speaking clock"!
"What! How the hell does it work?" his mate asks.
"I'll show you", and Paddy hits it full pelt with a claw hammer.
A voice from next door yells "For f**ks sake you idiot, don’t you know its twenty to three in the morning!!" 

 

[AussieBob]

A man goes into the confessional and says.

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Yesterday, I cursed badly, using the F-word." 

"Why was that?" asked the priest. 

"I was playing a round of golf, all was going well until I reached on the long Par5 10th hole when my T-shot ended up in thick undergrowth." 

"Are yes" said the Priest "That hole is a very difficult one. Never even made a par 5 there myself.  Was that when you said the F-word?" 

"No Father, I stayed calm, took my time and hit a clean shot out of the rough, down the fairway at then it hit a branch left on the fairway" 

"Is that when you said the F-word?" 

"No Father, it bounced off the branch and started running down the cart path."

"Is that when you used the F-word?" 

No Father, it run all the way down to the green and then bounced off a pole and went towards the water in front of the green"

"Is that when you used the F-word?" 

"No Father, I still remained calm... and watched as it hit a rock and bounced straight across the green and it stopped less than a foot from the hole." 

"Don't tell me!" shouted the Priest, "You missed the f***ing eagle putt !!" 

[AussieBob]

[coxyhog]

[coxyhog]

[coxyhog]

[AussieBob]

Husband's call to wife:

"Honey it's me.  I had a car accident. Susan brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and have done some tests and some x-rays and I have had some surgery with apparently more to come. They said that I have six broken ribs and some spine damage, a compound fracture in the left leg which they fixed up in surgery, but they are worried that my right foot is going to need more surgery - I could even lose it if things do not go well.  I am in ICU at the moment but I should be able to go to a ward room later this week maybe.  The car is probably a total write-off and because we did not have full insurance, we are going to lose a lot of money. And because we dont have any medical insurance, because the car accident was my fault, we are probably going to have to pay a lot of money to cover the hospital bills."

Wife's Response:

"Who the hell is Susan?"

And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married (to a western woman).

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

Prince Charles was removed from presenting the weather after pronouncing: “ it’s been raining longer than my bloody Mother !! “

[AussieBob]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mum. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and said "I'm not staying here to be insulted.  Come on, Dick, let’s go.”

[AussieBob]

A cop on a horse stops little Johnny riding his bike and says "Nice bike, sonny, did Santa get you that?"

"Yes", says Johnny.

"Well, next year tell him to put a reflector on it" the fine is $1 says the cop.

Johnny thinks for a bit and says "Nice horse, Mr policeman, did Santa get you that?"

"Yes", says the cop, rather amused but playing along.

"Well, next year tell him the dick is supposed to be under the horse, not on top of it".

 

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

 

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]

[AussieBob]