Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)

[forqalso]

On 11/29/2023 at 10:33 PM, coxyhog said:

At a wine merchant’s warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass of wine to taste.

The old Chief tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.”

“That’s correct,” said the boss.

“Another glass, please.”

“It’s a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”

“Absolutely correct.

A third glass.”

‘‘It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,’’ calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The old Navy Chief tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.”

Here’s a similar story:

A blind guy applies for a job as a lumber inspector at the mill.

The boss, obviously confused, exclaims, "How can you grade wood well being blind?"

The blind guy retorts back saying he has an excellent sense of smell and to "Try it out."

Amused the boss grabs a piece of wood out of pile and hand its to the blind man. The blind man says, "That's a nice chunk of hickory you got."

The boss is amazed that he got it right and hands him another piece of wood.

The blind man puts his nose near the wood then exclaims, "Yuck, That's a rotten piece of cedar. right here. I wouldn't pass that!"

The boss again amazed keeps handing him wood and the blind man keeps guessing correctly. Eventually, the boss tires of the show and brings out his secretary. He whispers in her ear and she drops her pants and puts her front side in front of the blind mans nose.

The boss exclaims,"I got one more for you if you'll wager a guess."

The blind man gives a whiff and is confused. He asks if he can get the board flipped around. So the secretary turns around sticking her hind end right up close to the blind mans nose. The blind man takes a big whiff and begins to grin.

"I see what your doing here", he exclaims, "You're trying to mess with me!"

The boss replies,"What do you mean?"

The blind guys then says, "Well, that's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

[coxyhog]

[coxyhog]

This would be funny but it's the truth....

[biggles]

That's because those in charge are too scared of a backlash at the polls from those who support illegals. Brexit was a success primarily on the issue of making our own rules. , where are we now? 

[coxyhog]

[Horizondave]

Tickled me

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12822683/Moment-group-American-students-think-red-traffic-light-pedestrians-stop-dead-pavement.html

[forcebwithu]

11 hours ago, Horizondave said:

Tickled me

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12822683/Moment-group-American-students-think-red-traffic-light-pedestrians-stop-dead-pavement.html

Is that not a four way intersection controlled by traffic lights? Why wouldn't pedestrians stop when the light is red to avoid getting run over by crossing traffic?

[Horizondave]

7 hours ago, forcebwithu said:

Is that not a four way intersection controlled by traffic lights? Why wouldn't pedestrians stop when the light is red to avoid getting run over by crossing traffic?

Did you see the whole video, they reacted to a light which is for the benefit of cars, not pedestrians. They were not crossing the road at that point. They could have walked up to the edge of the road and looked right/left but reacted to the light.

Maybe they would have been in more danger when walking on the green and then got hit by the cars also coming around the corner on green.

It is just a funny video, maybe everybody won't get it. It was not a pedestrian crossing.

[forcebwithu]

9 minutes ago, Horizondave said:

Did you see the whole video, they reacted to a light which is for the benefit of cars, not pedestrians. They were not crossing the road at that point. They could have walked up to the edge of the road and looked right/left but reacted to the light.

Maybe they would have been in more danger when walking on the green and then got hit by the cars also coming around the corner on green.

It is just a funny video, maybe everybody won't get it. It was not a pedestrian crossing.

In the US there's no distinction of a traffic light for cars only. If a pedestrian chooses to walk through an intersection when the light is red they run the risk of a jaywalking fine. And yes, when the light is green you have to be on the lookout for some motorists that might run you over as they're making a turn.

[Horizondave]

4 minutes ago, forcebwithu said:

In the US there's no distinction of a traffic light for cars only. If a pedestrian chooses to walk through an intersection when the light is red they run the risk of a jaywalking fine. And yes, when the light is green you have to be on the lookout for some motorists that might run you over as they're making a turn.

We do have pedestrian crossings, and it looks like there is a button (yellow box) to press on the light pole for crossing from left to right in the picture. The picture though, does just show people waiting at a traffic light for cars going straight ahead, it doesn't apply to pedestrians.

It is funny, probably for a Brit when you look at the whole video but that is just a British sense of humour.

We Brits do need to check the rules for crossing roads in other countries, as there are no jaywalking fines in the UK.

Maybe Sadiq Khan (the London mayor) can look at making a bit more money by fining pedestrians for crossing the road, I am sure it is on his agenda.

[forcebwithu]

1 hour ago, Horizondave said:

We do have pedestrian crossings, and it looks like there is a button (yellow box) to press on the light pole for crossing from left to right in the picture. The picture though, does just show people waiting at a traffic light for cars going straight ahead, it doesn't apply to pedestrians.

It is funny, probably for a Brit when you look at the whole video but that is just a British sense of humour.

We Brits do need to check the rules for crossing roads in other countries, as there are no jaywalking fines in the UK.

Maybe Sadiq Khan (the London mayor) can look at making a bit more money by fining pedestrians for crossing the road, I am sure it is on his agenda.

It varies from city to city if the jaywalking law is enforced. In the city where I spent a good portion of my life it was a money earner for sure for the police and heavily enforced. The downtown area you had to cross in a marked crosswalk, if you crossed mid-block or against a red light there was a good chance you'd end up with a jaywalking ticket. I think now the law has been somewhat relaxed in that as long as you don't interfere with motor traffic you can do whatever you please.

[coxyhog]

4 hours ago, Horizondave said:

Maybe Sadiq Khan (the London mayor) can look at making a bit more money by fining pedestrians for crossing the road, I am sure it is on his agenda.

That and charging to use the Blackwall tunnel.

[coxyhog]

[coxyhog]

[coxyhog]

It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes
😂

[coxyhog]

[richy65]

[richy65]

[coxyhog]

[Derek Dangleberries]

31 minutes ago, coxyhog said:

 

Jonathan Ross has been arrested after being caught stealing from a Kitchenware store...

 

...when questioned, he said 'it was a whisk worth taking'

 

[lazarus]

[lazarus]

[lazarus]

[KhunDon]

If your computer won't sing to you, it's not a Dell.

[KhunDon]