Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)

[Lirchenfeld]

[KhunDon]

Martha recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out onto the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him...

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that Porsche you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought that, too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
"Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes!"

.

 

Edited June 14, 2022 by KhunDon

[coxyhog]

[coxyhog]

Anyone know where I can get a copy?

[KhunDon]

[Siam Addict]

[Siam Addict]

[Butch]

I'm sorry I cant get into the spirit of things today.

My son has just finished 7 years of medical training and in the first week is likely to get struck off and possibly jailed for sleeping with one of his patients. He was set to be a great vet too.

 

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I've never paid to have a lentil on my face.

Edited June 16, 2022 by Butch

[maipenrai]

[Siam Addict]

[AussieBob]

LETTER FROM A BAR GIRL

Dear Bill,

I love you and I miss you too much. My friend bar say you old man look same same monkey but I know you hansum man. I have problem I write you before that buffalo me sick. Now it die fall down and dead in middle of rice field. Bad fortune when it fall it fall on papa and break leg he three place. Now he not work.

Brother me make stretcher bamboo he take from roof house. Roof come down and rain in house. He take papa to hospital on motorcycle. Have big accident when he come home hit police car. Police say brother me blame. Police say he pay big money. Not worry darling motorcycle OK but police car bad broken. Bad luck make Mama heart problem. Doctor say she must triple by pass. I no understand but brother me say you understand.

You know darling I only work in bar and not go with man. I wait for you come back Hua Hin but if you no help me I go with many many many many farang get pay bills money.

Old people my village say you responsible if you send money me before buy medicine sick buffalo then it not die papa no break leg house have roof brother no ride into police car mama no have heart problem.

Send me 500,000 baht for my bank. Papa fix 50,000, new roof 30,000, new police car 200,000, Mama fix 150,000. I take off 2,000 baht for sell buffalo meat but me have to pay more hospital bill for 24 people have problem eat bad meat 12,000 baht.

I do not know money England but my brother me say me it 52.2424 mid market rate close of trading yesterday. This means you send me 10,000 your pound.

I love you darling

Noi.

[AussieBob]

I have kleptomania – especially for Hi-Tech mobile devices. When I was in court for these offences, I was asked if there were any mitigating circumstances.

I replied, “Your Honour, I went to see my doctor about it and he told me to keep taking the tablets.”

[AussieBob]

A young man was arrested for stalking and harassing a lady on a bus.

The prosecution outlined what had happened.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat but this time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed even more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver. 

The driver had the man arrested at the next stop.

The Judge then asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,
'Well your Honour, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus. I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said. ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.
Than she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said.'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident’  I burst out laughing, and she then got very upset”.

[AussieBob]

A guy i knew in Canada a long time ago bought a new fridge.

He decided to give the old one to someone who really needed it for free.

So he put the fridge on the front lawn with the following sign,

'please feel free to take this if you need it - it works just fine.'

2 weeks later the fridge was still there - so he moved it and changed the sign,

'good working fridge for sale - $100'

The next morning the fridge was gone.

[AussieBob]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the new pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park many months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to keep it wet and place it on the organ, and that it would prevent the spread of illnesses and disease. Do you know - I haven't had a cold or the flu all winter?"

[AussieBob]

A man went along to a 'spooks' evening at the local Town Hall to hear guest speakers talk about their strange experiences with the after-life.

Sitting at the back, he couldn't hear all that was being said and he began to doze off when suddenly one of the speakers asked loudly, 

"Now come on, don't be shy, there must be someone here whose had a recent close relationship with a ghost?" 

Without thinking, the man put his hand up - he was the only one and he was asked to come down to the front.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this gentlemen here has kindly volunteered to tell us about his intimate relationship with a ghost. Please give him a warm hand." 

"Ghost!" he exclaimed. "I thought you said goat." 

[AussieBob]

So a job recruiter I've been working with, a gorgeous young blonde, called me up and said "Great news!  I've got 2 openings for you!"  

I immediately answered in my most salacious voice "I know... 😉  "

There was a pause for a minute, then she just sighed and said "sheite"

I said 'Actually - I prefer the other one" 

[AussieBob]

A young, rich Scottish lawyer had a very bad car crash.

His Porsche was a write-off but even worse, the lawyer's arm had been severed.

When the paramedics arrived, they heard him whimpering, 

"My Porsche, oh my poor Porsche." 

"Sir," said one of the helpers, "I think you should be more concerned about your arm." 

The lawyer looked down and saw his arm missing from the elbow down.

"Oh no, my Rolex, my Rolex." 

[AussieBob]

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

[AussieBob]

TO ALL PEOPLE IN USA

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2.  Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' '

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with tomato sauce (ketchup), but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

[coxyhog]

The Banker

A hotshot London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the car door, zooming off without stopping.

More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ‘My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The London banker looks down in horror. ‘Oh no!' he screams... Where's my fucking Rolex?

[Butch]

On 6/18/2022 at 1:49 PM, coxyhog said:

The Banker

A hotshot London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the car door, zooming off without stopping.

More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ‘My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The London banker looks down in horror. ‘Oh no!' he screams... Where's my fucking Rolex?

Or in the case of an Airworks Contractor...

"Who nicked my fucking beer?"

[tko]

[karon steve]

[coxyhog]