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Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)


ArtyGraph

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  • john luke changed the title to Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)
Monday morning in school and teacher is asking her class what they got up to over the weekend.
Little Johnny puts his hand up, "Miss, Miss , I went to look on a farm Miss and I saw loads of animals."
Teacher replies, "Oh really Johnny, what animals did you see?"
He answers, "There was chickens Miss, and sheeps, the farmer showed me his pigs and then he took me out to the field and showed me his fu*kers Miss."
Teacher aghast, "Really Johnny that's dreadful language and what on earth are you talking about?"
Johnny retorts, "Well they looked like cows Miss and the farmer said they was heifers but I knew what he meant!"
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A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $50 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $50 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $100.

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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“OH, COME ON!!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”
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