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Jokes to raise a smile? (Threads Merged)


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Woman walks into a sex toy shop looking for a big vibrator. She is offered several big ones by the shop assistant, but gets exasperated as none are big enough. 

She then points to a big red object on the wall and said “I’ll have that red one over there”, to which the sales assistant replied, “that madam, is a fire extinguisher”.

Edited by KhunDon
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New Budget Airline


Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be £5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat-locator fee of £5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem (grunts). Up we go, and done! That will be £10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a £10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But first I need that £10.

Passenger: No way.

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the Air Marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a £50 Air-Marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the £10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert three twenties into the overhead coin slot for the first ten minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 60 pence.

Passenger: I don't have any twenties. Can you make change for a pound?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only 80 pence for my pound.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 20 pence.    

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy twenty pee? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang on to it. You'll need it later for the lavatory…



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A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' 

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. 
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?’

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.  

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?  


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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by aGlasgow copper. 

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop: " License and registration, please."

London Lawyer: "What for?" 

Glasgow cop: "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer: "I slowed down, and no one was coming." 

Glasgow cop: "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please" 

London Lawyer: "What's the difference?" 

Glasgow cop: "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!" 

London Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." 

Glasgow cop: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. 

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

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A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had
the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the
mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an
impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"


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3 Naked Black Men

At the National Art Gallery, in Dublin Ireland, a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.  The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

“In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”
After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”

“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband.
“Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied.

”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Edited by Sigi
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Halloween is coming up on Thursday, October 31

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The woman got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some Aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a good time.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, ``Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?'' He replied, ``I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!''

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A Catholic Irish boy stands crying on the side of the road, a man asks what is wrong.

The boy says "Me ma just died".

"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to call Father O'riley for you?"

The boy replies "No thanks mister sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment".

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The Irish Mounted Police
Use the tazer, Mick!   
Use the tazer, Mick!
Use the tazer, Mick!
For CHRIST'S SAKE use the tazer!
MICK! Use the tazer - use the ___in' tazer, Mick!
Use the tazer!
Mick - NOW!
For CHRIST'S SAKE use the tazer!
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Terry decided to go skiing with his buddy, Mike. 

So they loaded up Terry's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house'

'Don't worry,' Terry said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Terry got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Mike and asked, 'Mike, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Mike

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes, 'Mike said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did'

'And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?'

Mike's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy; I'm afraid I did.' Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'



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