Living with cancer

[galenkia]

This is a very difficult thread for me as it’s very personal.

But watching a loved one wasting away dying is so fucking hard.

 I think Jan won’t make it to the end of the year.

As you get older you start to lose those you love, and it’s a really hard thing to deal with.

[Golfingboy]

Everybody’s time will come some day, that’s just reality. A reality I never thought about myself until I had my problems almost a year ago, to the day. It’s never easy though, whether a loved one dies at 39 or 99, any way you win spin it, it will never be a joyous event. I feel like this day and age, anything under 75 seems young, we eat more crap but life expectancy keeps rising. 
 

What I didn’t like about the final 16 days I spent  at Dad’s side when he was admitted with his cancer, was the uncertainty. My positive side thought he might have 3-6 months & might even make it back home if the care system allowed it. I even got special permission to buy a month parking pass for $90, instead of daily/weekly….he passed less than 3 days later. The doctors would never explicitly say “this is the end, he has a week or less”….but there were clues I guess. 4-5 days before, they stated they wouldn’t bother anymore with all his vitals like BP. 
 

He was lucid enough to be giving me shit before I left at 7pm on a Saturday, his stupid new wife could do no wrong in his eyes and I found out she wasn’t getting my group update SMS because she had no data plan & always relied on WIFI. One last f—k you I guess for something that was not my fault…The next morning he was in palliative as planned, but his eyes would not open although he could hear us….Then we got the call at 2 am….30 hours from him being pissed off and mean….to being gone, it was fast

It really sounds like she is at the end Allan, and although you were expecting it, I guess you thought maybe more like Easter 2024 or something. It’s brutal, I know, I hope she’s not suffering…..But hey, I know first-hand how shitty my own sister & nephew were, took them 3 hours to come on his final day on Earth, living a 15 minute walk up the hill, but I had flown in 5 hours away. Pat yourself on the back mate, sounds like you’ve been by her side non-stop as much as you could, just know that she appreciates that affection more than you could ever imagine mate 

I don’t know what else to say Allan, it’s a nasty thing to deal with no matter how long you’ve been expecting it. 
 

Keep your chin up…..

Eric

[Stillearly]

It is hard , the time of the year probably adds to that as well ...

my mate passed earlier this year on Fathers' Day , had cancer for over five years before it finally took him , he didn't eat for his final 60 days , as you say , the worse part was watching him waste away ... 

my Mum died 12 years ago from Bowel cancer , she was treated for a couple of years ,  once she went into hospice it was just over a week before she passed .. 

the Chemo treatment can be terrible though , and I sometimes think , is that worth it , for a little extra time .. everyone's situation is different though and sometimes it can cure .. 🤷‍♂️

The care people receive in Hospice is fantastic, the relatives as well as the patients 

The only "good thing" about cancer is normally it gives you time to process what is happening and prepare yourself and say goodbyes , both for the person with it and family / close friends 

My Mum gave away some personal items to the people she wanted , she also had time to choose the hymns and readings she wanted for her funeral and decided what she wanted done with her remains ..., her ashes were buried at our local church ... which was a comfort to my Dad as he had somewhere to visit , especially early on ..  

Same for my mate , he was able to get all his financial affairs in order , to make things easier for his wife and children... and he could make decisions about his funeral etc 

my thoughts with you and your Sister as you go through this 

[galenkia]

9 minutes ago, Golfingboy said:

Everybody’s time will come some day, that’s just reality. A reality I never thought about myself until I had my problems almost a year ago, to the day. It’s never easy though, whether a loved one dies at 39 or 99, any way you win spin it, it will never be a joyous event. I feel like this day and age, anything under 75 seems young, we eat more crap but life expectancy keeps rising. 
 

What I didn’t like about the final 16 days I spent  at Dad’s side when he was admitted with his cancer, was the uncertainty. My positive side thought he might have 3-6 months & might even make it back home if the care system allowed it. I even got special permission to buy a month parking pass for $90, instead of daily/weekly….he passed less than 3 days later. The doctors would never explicitly say “this is the end, he has a week or less”….but there were clues I guess. 4-5 days before, they stated they wouldn’t bother anymore with all his vitals like BP. 
 

He was lucid enough to be giving me shit before I left at 7pm on a Saturday, his stupid new wife could do no wrong in his eyes and I found out she wasn’t getting my group update SMS because she had no data plan & always relied on WIFI. One last f—k you I guess for something that was not my fault…The next morning he was in palliative as planned, but his eyes would not open although he could hear us….Then we got the call at 2 am….30 hours from him being pissed off and mean….to being gone, it was fast

It really sounds like she is at the end Allan, and although you were expecting it, I guess you thought maybe more like Easter 2024 or something. It’s brutal, I know, I hope she’s not suffering…..But hey, I know first-hand how shitty my own sister & nephew were, took them 3 hours to come on his final day on Earth, living a 15 minute walk up the hill, but I had flown in 5 hours away. Pat yourself on the back mate, sounds like you’ve been by her side non-stop as much as you could, just know that she appreciates that affection more than you could ever imagine mate 

I don’t know what else to say Allan, it’s a nasty thing to deal with no matter how long you’ve been expecting it. 
 

Keep your chin up…..

Eric

Eric, you honestly have been a great support for me, as we have been both going through a a very turbulent period in our lives.

It just shows how Internet forums can be so helpful to each other.

[maipenrai]

I agree that it's not easy seeing a loved one slipping away from us, but be thankful that you are still able to communicate with her and bring a little joy into her life when there is so little of it left - my own mother was lost to me mentally for four years before she finally, mercifully, left us...

[galenkia]

4 minutes ago, Stillearly said:

It is hard , the time of the year probably adds to that as well ...

my mate passed earlier this year on Fathers' Day , had cancer for over five years before it finally took him , he didn't eat for his final 60 days , as you say , the worse part was watching him waste away ... 

my Mum died 12 years ago from Bowel cancer , she was treated for a couple of years ,  once she went into hospice it was just over a week before she passed .. 

the Chemo treatment can be terrible though , and I sometimes think , is that worth it , for a little extra time .. everyone's situation is different though and sometimes it can cure .. 🤷‍♂️

The care people receive in Hospice is fantastic, the relatives as well as the patients 

The only "good thing" about cancer is normally it gives you time to process what is happening and prepare yourself and say goodbyes , both for the person with it and family / close friends 

My Mum gave away some personal items to the people she wanted , she also had time to choose the hymns and readings she wanted for her funeral and decided what she wanted done with her remains ..., her ashes were buried at our local church ... which was a comfort to my Dad as he had somewhere to visit , especially early on ..  

Same for my mate , he was able to get all his financial affairs in order , to make things easier for his wife and children... and he could make decisions about his funeral etc 

my thoughts with you and your Sister as you go through this 

Thank you mate.

As much as it will devastate me to lose Jan, there is also some release in that her suffering is over and she will be at peace.

Having to lay her to rest alongside her 18 years old daughter Jenny is gonna be so hard .

[roomark]

Thinking of you pal.

Have seen a few people get cancer , the closest to me was my Nan though it was 97.

I remember the hospice being brilliant with us all.

Even though it was a Grandparent I was close to her and even took her to Tenerife 6 months before , because she wanted to visit places she had been with my Grandad years before.

Horrible disease and I can only wish you all the best when it comes to the final days.

Take care pal x

[Aqualung]

As @roomark says, we are thinking about you mate.

Bowel cancer got my mum and non hodgkinsons accounted for my younger brother at 46. Watching my 6 ft and 13 stone brother wither away was awful. Such an awful disease. 

Reading your other posts in various threads, you are a credit to Jan and a credit to yourself Allan. You can't have done anymore than what you are doing now. Well done and very brave. 

You will get through it even if you don't think so yourself. Most of us have experience of what you are going through right now and it's bloody hard. 

Be safe mate and take care. 💙

 

 

[Chang_Paarp]

I can relate to your pain.

I am watching my mother deal with her fifth round of brain tumours. She had a goal to make it to her 88th birthday, 3 days ago, today I'm doing Christmas for the family. 

I have watched as mum went through a number of treatments, the latest weeks ago, focused radiation. It has knocked her more than the previous radiation and chemo treatments. Don't think she will willingly submit to more treatments. It hurts as it drags out.

[Krapow]

I think it's a very poignant subject for this forum, considering what happened to Lanza.

Think I read a statistic, 1 in 2 will get cancer in their lifetime. Of course not all will die, but that's a horrific statistic non the less.

I have a service user at the moment who has cervical cancer, spreading fast. And has been down too many conspiracy rabbit holes online. She say's she doesn't trust hospitals, won't do chemo or let them burn out the cancer cells, is doing the 'holistic' approach. A load of various herbs bought online ffs. Have spoke with my Manager who agrees with me that she has capacity, she's told her oncologist, that we have to respect her wishes, but prepare myself for her to die. It's kinda like there's no need to die, but she won't entertain the treatment the hospital advise due to irrational (in my opinion) views.

Anyway, I also fully understand when Gal says there is some release in that there will be no more suffering when his sister passes. I feel the exact same about my Da in the care home. He's my Dad, of course it'll hurt, but I know there will be no more suffering for him. 

Life's a c**t sometimes, but just pressing the f**k it button when shite things happen doesn't help at all. And will only make you feel worse.

Edited December 24, 2023 by Krapow

[galenkia]

Some really great responses. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Yeah, life can be pretty tough at times, but it’s about getting through the tough times, and trying to get on with your life.

 I need to get through this period of my life so I can move on and get my life back on track.

[galenkia]

1 hour ago, Aqualung said:

As @roomark says, we are thinking about you mate.

Bowel cancer got my mum and non hodgkinsons accounted for my younger brother at 46. Watching my 6 ft and 13 stone brother wither away was awful. Such an awful disease. 

Reading your other posts in various threads, you are a credit to Jan and a credit to yourself Allan. You can't have done anymore than what you are doing now. Well done and very brave. 

You will get through it even if you don't think so yourself. Most of us have experience of what you are going through right now and it's bloody hard. 

Be safe mate and take care. 💙

 

 

That’s such a nice post mate.

Thank you.

[Aqualung]

17 minutes ago, galenkia said:

That’s such a nice post mate.

Thank you.

❤️ A red heart for Jan and a blue heart for our football teams 💙 

No worries Allan. 

 

[galenkia]

Can’t sleep so still online.

Basically my family has a history of passing away in December for some reason, both my parents passed away in the same month, plus three of my uncles, though not in the same year.so it just seems a month I want to avoid.

Its why I dread this time of year.

[Nightcrawler]

Cancer can befall any of us, and perhaps 1 in 2 will get it in one form or another. Some are cured and many are not.

I remember when I was first diagnosed with cancer. It was a massive blow and I was not prepared for it. Who ever is ?

In my case, the treatment was worse than the symptom but treatment began straight away . 6 weeks of daily radiotherapy and intermittent Chemotherapy. 

I was lucky and got the all clear soon after treatment had stopped, but that's not the case for everyone. I still have 6 monthly check ups and shit myself everytime before I attend, in case it should return.

Treatment knocked the he'll out of my body, but at the same time nocked the he'll of of the cancer. It felt like a sledge hammer, cracking a walnut. 

I feel lucky, as like many others, we have lost people close to us from this awful disease. 

It is hard to watch then deteriorate knowing that there is nothing you can do about it, especially when the diagnosis is terminal  

When I was being treated at the Royal Marsden, it was heartbreaking to see children so young, around the hospital who were having treatment. 

I thought, no matter what, at least I have had a life, and theirs could soon end in some cases.

Cancer treatment has got a whole lot better over the last 20 years or so, but there is no cure, only treatment.

At least these days, morphine can deaden some of the physical pain but not the mental anxiety of knowing that your days are numbered.

I know it's a depressing subject, especially at this time of the year and my heart goes out to Galenkia watching his sister slip away. I watched over my father in the same way and it affected me greatly, even to this day  

None of us know when our time is up, so I guess we should relish life whilst we have it, although easily said than done. 

[galenkia]

5 hours ago, Nightcrawler said:

Cancer can befall any of us, and perhaps 1 in 2 will get it in one form or another. Some are cured and many are not.

I remember when I was first diagnosed with cancer. It was a massive blow and I was not prepared for it. Who ever is ?

In my case, the treatment was worse than the symptom but treatment began straight away . 6 weeks of daily radiotherapy and intermittent Chemotherapy. 

I was lucky and got the all clear soon after treatment had stopped, but that's not the case for everyone. I still have 6 monthly check ups and shit myself everytime before I attend, in case it should return.

Treatment knocked the he'll out of my body, but at the same time nocked the he'll of of the cancer. It felt like a sledge hammer, cracking a walnut. 

I feel lucky, as like many others, we have lost people close to us from this awful disease. 

It is hard to watch then deteriorate knowing that there is nothing you can do about it, especially when the diagnosis is terminal  

When I was being treated at the Royal Marsden, it was heartbreaking to see children so young, around the hospital who were having treatment. 

I thought, no matter what, at least I have had a life, and theirs could soon end in some cases.

Cancer treatment has got a whole lot better over the last 20 years or so, but there is no cure, only treatment.

At least these days, morphine can deaden some of the physical pain but not the mental anxiety of knowing that your days are numbered.

I know it's a depressing subject, especially at this time of the year and my heart goes out to Galenkia watching his sister slip away. I watched over my father in the same way and it affected me greatly, even to this day  

None of us know when our time is up, so I guess we should relish life whilst we have it, although easily said than done. 

Great post mate.

You are lucky you made it through as so many don’t.

And the part about children you mentioned, when Jan was having chemotherapy in the early stages, seeing young children was just heartbreaking. I’m a very emotional person and I would end up sitting in a toilet cubicle having a little cry as it upset me so much.

[Golfingboy]

9 hours ago, galenkia said:

Great post mate.

You are lucky you made it through as so many don’t.

And the part about children you mentioned, when Jan was having chemotherapy in the early stages, seeing young children was just heartbreaking. I’m a very emotional person and I would end up sitting in a toilet cubicle having a little cry as it upset me so much.

There was an episode of the Sopranos I think, where a cancer sufferer talks about that, in response to someone saying his smoking/lifestyle led to his Stage 4……”What about those 11-year olds bald with leukaemia, did they choose their fate too” ? 😢

[Glasseye]

Yesterday (Christmas Day) I took my usual bike ride to the gym. There is a Thai guy (same age as I am) that owns a meat shop around the corner from the gym. Over time we have become good friends (along with a soi dog who hangs there). So, after my workout I sit on a bench in front of his store and we shoot the shit for a while (and I get to scratch the ears of the dog who friggen loves me). 

So.... yesterday as we were talking the shop friend tells me he used to work in a hospital (I had always thought up to that point that he was just in the meat shop biz). I asked him what he did. He said he had been a nurse for forty years (my jawed dropped because I had not yet known this. And, as I have mentioned before I have the greatest respect for nurses). I think he may have been a little reluctant prior to yesterday to tell me this (probably because there is still some stigma regarding male nurses).

The conversation continued. I then asked him what area of nursing did he work in. He said he was a chemo nurse. 

I just started balling tears. It took me a few minutes before I could even talk. It was just one of those moments.

I pulled it together. We had a few laughs and then I went home. 

----------------------------

 

It is Dukkha.

 

Defining Dukkha

The Buddha taught there are three main categories of dukkha. These are:

• Suffering or Pain (Dukkha-dukkha). Ordinary suffering, as defined by the English word, is one form of dukkha. This includes physical, emotional and mental pain.
• Impermanence or Change (Viparinama-dukkha). Anything that is not permanent, that is subject to change, is dukkha. Thus, happiness is dukkha, because it is not permanent. Great success, which fades with the passing of time, is dukkha. Even the purest state of bliss experienced in spiritual practice is dukkha. This doesn't mean that happiness, success, and bliss are bad, or that it's wrong to enjoy them. If you feel happy, then enjoy feeling happy. Just don't cling to it.
• Conditioned States (Samkhara-dukkha). To be conditioned is to be dependent on or affected by something else. According to the teaching of dependent origination, all phenomena are conditioned. Everything affects everything else. This is the most difficult part of the teachings on dukkha to understand, but it is critical to understanding Buddhism.

 

---------------------------------

Some really thoughtful, well written, genuine and heartfelt posts here.

 

Edited December 26, 2023 by Glasseye

[Butch]

It appears all of us have been effected by cancer at one point during our lives, be it ourselves or a loved one.

Seeing a loved one suffering, wishing you could take their pain and suffer it yourself is traumatic.

I like others, lost a loved one to it, my Mum to liver cancer. For her it was quick and she didn't suffer, and she went peacefully in her sleep. I remember having a coffee with @Nightcrawler in a bar in Pattaya shortly before I was due to fly home to be with her, and he was great, just to be able to lean on and as a mate he was able to help me get my thoughts processed and prioritised. I'll never forget that.

Now, I am watching my Dad suffer from cancer and the other issues associated with old age.

Cancer is the most evil, indiscriminate and damaging of conditions . It does make me question as to the existence of a benevolent god sometimes.

@galenkia My thoughts and prayers are here for you and your sister.  We always think we're prepared, we always think that when the inevitable moment comes we will be strong, but it seldom happens like that. You're always there for your sister, you are such a decent, caring and good person mate, and Jan is aware of how much love you have for her.

There's never a good time to suffer the loss of a loved one. When everyone else is out getting pissed and celebrating, being happy and enjoying the "joyous time of the year", some are suffering grief and loss, or going through a traumatic time.  These days I just look at this time of year for what it is, "silly season".

There's also no timescale on dealing with grief and loss of a loved one. My Dad is still grieving 5 years later.

We are all here for you mate, at this difficult time.

 

[Glasseye]

45 minutes ago, Butch said:

It appears all of us have been effected by cancer at one point during our lives, be it ourselves or a loved one.

Seeing a loved one suffering, wishing you could take their pain and suffer it yourself is traumatic.

I like others, lost a loved one to it, my Mum to liver cancer. For her it was quick and she didn't suffer, and she went peacefully in her sleep. I remember having a coffee with @Nightcrawler in a bar in Pattaya shortly before I was due to fly home to be with her, and he was great, just to be able to lean on and as a mate he was able to help me get my thoughts processed and prioritised. I'll never forget that.

Now, I am watching my Dad suffer from cancer and the other issues associated with old age.

Cancer is the most evil, indiscriminate and damaging of conditions . It does make me question as to the existence of a benevolent god sometimes.

@galenkia My thoughts and prayers are here for you and your sister.  We always think we're prepared, we always think that when the inevitable moment comes we will be strong, but it seldom happens like that. You're always there for your sister, you are such a decent, caring and good person mate, and Jan is aware of how much love you have for her.

There's never a good time to suffer the loss of a loved one. When everyone else is out getting pissed and celebrating, being happy and enjoying the "joyous time of the year", some are suffering grief and loss, or going through a traumatic time.  These days I just look at this time of year for what it is, "silly season".

There's also no timescale on dealing with grief and loss of a loved one. My Dad is still grieving 5 years later.

We are all here for you mate, at this difficult time.

 

 

Butch, 

Your words here are beautifully written. Golden, even though they brought more tears.

My father lost two wives to cancer. My sister's (who I consider as the most wonderful person in the World) mother. And, my mother. He (my father) also lost his mother to cancer.

He somehow pulled through and was able to continue on. 

I have never been able to completely understand where the strength came from that enabled him to hold it together. Other than the love that was still within his heart for them all. Or maybe it was also his God damn stubborness, and innate will to survive that nature has given us (whether the will to survive is a curse or a blessing..... is another thing I haven't figured out yet). He passed away a few years back at the age of 96.

Cancer is the common cloud that hangs over all of us. 

[Chang_Paarp]

It is interesting that we we discuss cancer a a single condition/disease like the flu, however the medical folk tell us that there are over 100 different cancers that require different treatments. In the case of the flu there are different pathogens (virus, bacteria) that are identifiable.

I wonder if the different cancers are as identifiable, or are just named because of the location of the initial outbreak? Some like leukemia seem to stick in one area others spread to other parts of the body. 

[Aqualung]

Some really nice posts here. It's an upsetting thread and it's really brave of bms to post their experiences. It's not easy to do, especially this time of year if you are a sentimental old sop like me. 

[Yessongs]

Agree with everyone's comments here, we all have to "man up" and take care of the one's that we all have loved. It is tough,  having seen 2 of the people who I was very close to die of Cancer. It is this time when you are there with them, you know it could be you and very well may be at some point in life. It is also at this point, that you realize how important it is for you that you do have someone that will be there on your final days, that you love and care about. 

@galenkia Nothing but the best to you and you are a class act for being there for your Sister...well done. 

[tko]

Cancer took my mother 12 years ago, her last couple were very sad to witness.  I was happy she was able to meet our first born before she went. 

Edited December 28, 2023 by tko